Thursday, January 29, 2009

Lack of a Snappy title

So my aunt called out of the blue today and invited me to a movie. Weird. My sister has been spending all her time off at my aunts lately and I thought that I was thrown to the wayside. So this call caught me off guard, I don't know why she wants to hang out now.
I made Jesse apply for a job that will have us moving away from Spokane...I hope he gets it. It has benefits and a steady pay, after 4 years of thinking "are you getting work this week" a good paycheck is all I really need. If the guy would actually get 40 hours a week we would be in good shape, but some weeks, like this one, he well doesn't work much. Today is the first day that he's gone to work. Yeah, I think its Thursday right?
And I'm sure your thinking "Why don't you go to work you lazy bitch?" I will respond to this. I have never been able to hold down two jobs. I am a single job type of person. I take my position at a mom as a job. And I couldn't be able to go to another job as well as do this. As little as I do. I can't imagine going to another work and having to do both. So anyway that's my reasoning, plus the fact that I dont' want to work anywhere like an office or a retail place.
So since I've touted that I love being a mom, can I say that I can't stand my 2 year old today. He's being very, very 2. I just got smacked in the back of the head. He's been in "time out" most of the morning...and he claims to be starving for some reason. I also have my cantakerous 4 year old nephew to deal with too. Who insists on demanding for things instead of asking nicely. I got demanded yesterday to stop vaccuming because it was interfereing with his movie. Yeah I respond very well to demands. Especially from someone a fourth my size.
My mood has shifted, and I think I'm hitting a low. I've been very down the past couple of days and I'm trying not to dwell on the fact that I don't have a counselor to go vent to every week about my poor me situations. Most of the time that's all it is really just me feeling sorry for myself. I know this. I just can't move beyond. I don't know if its lack of sleep or the fact that I keep forgetting to take my anti-depressant, but I'm having a hard time again controling emotions, but I don't want to be on my pills anymore. I want to be rid of them so I can maybe start thinking about having another baby, because if this is what I'm supposed to do I better have more then just one kid right? I can't just have one and be a stay at home mom, how lame is that, that's for rich moms. I'm a poor mom. Full discloser here...Jesse made only 25,000. My single friend made over 40...yeah we're not poor at all. How do we make it you ask? Oh I have no secrets, we just don't spend a lot of money. We don't go to movies. We do go out to eat though, and more then we should. He would make more if like I said before, if he worked more... but that's construction for you I guess. Its better then fast food but not by much. I keep telling him to go out on his own, because then he would make more but he doesn't want to listen. So my fingers are crossed and my prayers have been thrown up to Jesus and God and whoever else is listening. Jesse needs this new job. He needs it bad. WE need it bad.

Monday, January 26, 2009

No cable day....Oh whatever...

My friend keeps asking me "did you watch...? oh wait, no you didn't you don't have cable" she's taunting me and I don't like it. I've started a new book called "The Alienist" by Caleb Carr. Its a wonderful book that my friend sent me. I've been taking my time on it, and I don't know if its because I'm not used to "adult" books or if I'm savoring it. I think a little bit of both. I've been reading a lot of "fluff" lately. A lot of teen books that take me a half a day to finish and I'm tired of that. I needed something to make me think...and this one does just that.
I had an odd dream last night, which isn't new to me, but I wanted to share it. I dreamt that I went to Janet Jackson's house and she had four kids and she lived in a bunch of combined trailer houses. And I told her that I was pleasantly surprised and thought that she would be a little more "ostentatious" I actually used that word in my dream. I think that was the weird part of my dream that I actually used large vocabulary, I don't ever recall doing that in any other dream.
I took back all my cable boxes today to the cable company. I called them first to let them know that I was bringing them back. They weren't too upset that I was canceling this time, maybe its because I haven't been able to pay my bill in two months or so. I've been trying to cancel for three months, back when my bill was only $60 and I still couldn't pay that...but they didn't seem to want me to or let me. So now my bill is $300 and they cut me off..."well now do you believe me?!" I think they're getting more calls like mine, the lady was very kind about my situation.
But we finally have money coming in at decent intervals and our bank account is in the black again and all of our bills are getting paid, but we have gone out to eat a couple times which is bad, and we're not making that a habbit again.
I feel like I'm on the edge of a breakdown again. I think this is because I got dependent on my counselor and now that I'm not going any more I have no one outside my life to vent to. I tried to vent to my mother last night but I got no where with her.
Oh and another thing. I think my house is haunted and I think the ghost attacked me last night. two scratches appeared on my arm last night right before I got in the shower. I didn't notice them until the water hit them and started stinging...they honestly just appeared! Its the weirdest thing, and it leads me to believe that I have pissed a ghost off. I bet its one of Ryan's "imaginary" friends he's always talking about. That worries me, I watch too many spooky shows and when that kid starts talking to imaginary friends a little more then necessary I get worried. I told Jesse that if one day I tell him that I'm being haunted he better believe me...and he told me that he would. But now that this has happened he's not so sure. He asked me "what did you do to yourself?!" Like I would scratch the shit out of my arm on purpose. That's something that I would do. I forgot to tell him I'm a cutter. I don't know if that's clear enough for you but there is the phantom scratch.
I know it doesn't look like much but it stings like a bitch!
So then I was all paranoid all night and didn't sleep, which isn't anything really new but I had a hard time falling asleep. I keep waking up at 3 am too, which I have heard is a very haunting hour. On Paranormal State they call it "dead time" which is spooky. I don't know why they don't call it something else less scary.
Anyway besides my phantom scratches nothing really happened this weekend to report. I think I gained all my weight back because I ate a lot of really good pizza on Saturday. I need to do some exercising someday.
Alright. I think I'm done. I know there was actually something important that I was going to blog about today feelings and whatnots but I don't recall. Maybe I'll remember later.

Friday, January 23, 2009

No Cable, Day Two

Someday soon I'll get over this no cable thing but not today! I already did laundry and cleaned up a bit...its only 9:39, there's something seriously wrong with me. So I had to come and do something half way lazy like oh I don't know write nonsense on my blog. Yay! Nonsense!!
I'm really really sleepy today due to the sleeping pills I've been taking to sleep at night...which worked pretty good last night, but kinda groggy today. I have a very short fuse today, and I can't seem to handle the four year old bossing me around at all today. Yes he bosses me around, he bosses my two year old around to and it pisses me off. I've never before in my life wanted to punch a child...but now I do. Terrible. I'm trying really hard to be a more positive up beat person but he makes that task all the more hard. And I'm tired of his mother saying how cute he is and how hard it is to punish him when he's bad because he's so cute and adorable. He's not. He's the devil, I have come to realize this. Oh and maybe its also because he looks and acts exactly like his asshole fucker of a father. Who I don't know if you catch my drift but I hate with more intensity then the fires of the sun. I seriously don't know how my sister stuck around him for 10 years, I would have been out after the first month. But that's me I guess.
I really need to clean the kitchen, its calling me but I keep ignoring it. but I told my sister I would clean it today since she's been cleaning it all week for some reason. I just haven't wanted to. I have to take care of her stinking kids for her what more does she want from me? Has she found daycare yet? No, it will be another two weeks at least before she gets them in anywhere, and I'll still have to take them to and from. Do I get a break? Do I?
Man I am such a whiny baby today. Soo sleepy.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Sad Sad Sad

I have no cable. I've been living with cable for the last 5 years straight, and I don't know how I'll live without it. I've been trying to cancel it on my own now for 2 months because we can't afford it but the bastards at Comcast wouldn't let me. "oh we'll just do this for you" "yeah well I still won't be able to pay the bill" So today in the middle of Curious George it walked out of our lives. Oscar cried, because well, he's 2. I pretended to be okay with is and substituted CG with Kung Fu Panda, which is another favorite. It worked, for him. I on the other hand wandered aimlessly around my house all day. Sure I did 3 scrapbook pages but that was really all I got accomplished. You would think that I would do more with my time now that I don't have that life sucker around. And yes at times I used it as a babysitter. Don't judge. You'd do the same. We can't all be crafty mothers who let their two year old's bake with them and make messes everywhere just so we can clean up after them. But tomorrow I do have somewhat of an agenda, I do have to do laundry. And maybe I'll clean up some living places around the house. Ugh, I hate thinking about cleaning.
I am lazy. I will stand up and admit this, I've admited it before. But I will again. LAZY. My mom has even told me this. I don't know why, when someone tells me to do something I'll do it. Tell me to take out the garbage. I'll do it, but do it myself? Whehw! NO WAY. Okay that's a little exagerated, because just today I took out the garbage, but that was because I was bored. Maybe no cable is a good thing. Thank GOD my friend is sending me books. She loves me.


So I said in my last post that I would show pictures of my scrapbooking pages. I just finished another one today. My cable got cut off, give me a break! I'm bored! Now I have to look for things to do to occupy my time, don't tell me to go to the library, I have no car. Alright without further ado... Oh and please excuse the layout and the funkyness of all of this, its my first time with this editor trying to put pictures up. I'm learning!!!

These are the first ones. These are old pictures of me and my friend, back in the days of skinny...

This is my first trip to Disneyland. A succession of photos of me and Mickey. V told me it was okay to drop elbows to get close, I didn't believe her.

And this is Oscar on his first trip to Disneyland, one of the many pictures we took, he didn't like those stinking ears!

This is the last page I've done so far, this is a couple of pictures of when we went to San Diego. My favorite place ever!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Two Blogs In a Night

I thought I'd make up for not writing everyday. Listen I was just thinking about "text-typing" the way the kids are doing it now. I text my friend a lot. A LOT. And I never use text talk or type. I can't do it because I don't have the brain to shorten things like that. I can shorten names, I always shorten names. In fact I don't like names that are already short, I have to have nick names. It's just the way I am. So anyway I was going to title this "OMG I totally forgot." But then I said to myself "You never say OMG unless your being factitious" So I went with the title that you see up there. I mentioned something about scrap booking in my last post, and this is important because before I had a child I never EVER thought that I would scrap book and even after he was born and my mother got my a "starter kit" I was reluctant. "I am not that creative" I yell at myself. OOOhh But I was terribly wrong. Last Sunday was extremely stressful and I didn't like it at all, so when we got home I got a bug and drug out all the scrap booking shit and I started doing pages, I got old pictures of my friend L. and I and got to work, and you know for my first attempt they look pretty stinking good, and you know, it calmed me down and I think I slept a little better that night. So the next morning there was still that bug so I did two more! One from my first trip to Disneyland and one for Oscar's first trip to Disneyland. And those turned out pretty good too. So! I'm off!! And I'm running with this scrap booking thing. L. thinks I'm crazy, and I'm going to start wearing horse print shirts but I assure her and everyone that I will not wear crazy horse print shirts until I'm 50...ha! But I will share pictures of my pages, which is funny, pictures of pictures but I have noticed on my blog runnings that everyone on here seems to be a photographer or an art-ist of some notion. So I figure I better get my artsy fartsy ass in on all of this!
I think I'm suffering from mild case of insomina...I took a sleep aid over a half hour ago and I'm barely feeling it. I'm getting a little numb around the edges but not too sleepy yet. Oh my head just went numb...weird. I hate pills.

Questions on Being "fixed"

I had my last counseling appointment. I wasn't prepared for it. I thought that I had more time and more issues to go over, but I do believe that I have made great strides in the past three months. And compared to this summer I am worlds better. I have talked to my sister and she is getting the kids into daycare but I still will help her out with certain things, because that's what I do as a sister. I help.
My new quest is to be more positive in my day, which is a big task for me as I'm a fairly negative person, I know outwardly to other people I might seem positive but truly I'm negative. I get that from my dad. I want to be more positive in my outlook though. Not fake happy but really happy. That's the biggest deal for me.
I have done some good things though since starting counseling, I started coaching, I started scrap booking, I leave the house on more occasions. It is really hard for me to get out of the house when it is sooo cold. I am the worlds biggest wuss when it comes to being cold.
So I guess I might have to change the title of this blog since I'm "fixed" oh wait, I forgot, once depressed your always depressed, just now I know how to control it. I'm not getting off my meds just yet though, if I don't have a counselor to depend on I don't know if I could cut my self back on those anytime soon.
I know that I have the tools now to cope with my depression and I know that I need to start liking myself, but that has been a life long struggle for me. To be able to pat myself on the back without sounding fake or hollow is going to be a big step in my world. I do believe that I am doing a good job with my coaching, the girls are learning they're getting better every game, even though they are small strides but they are strides none the less.
the first thing that I am doing now is to make sure that my mental and physical health is first and foremost. Since my mental health has taken a turn for the better my new focus will have to be my physical health. It is not good that i'm 29 and 230lbs. I know this. My first step that I have taken was to stop eating as big of meals. My intake has gone down. I think this was a big thing for me because my whole life I've eaten big meals. I'm still working on it though. I am not there yet. My next step is to get a good workout routine.
I have also decided to go back for reals this time. I want to be a PE teacher. I want to be a basketball coach of a very commited team. So there you have it. Me no longer depressed. I have goals to go after and I've got things to keep me happy.
I will continue to write, I don't know daily because I've never been able to do that. Considering that I will never not be depressed I need a good outlet. I like to type all of my thoughts and feelings.

Monday, January 19, 2009

New Monday

So since I've been a stay at home mom now for over two years, I have no concept of the days. Which isn't really good for bill paying. I wish I were one of those busy stay at home mom's always on the go with a palm pilot guiding me around. I am getting busier though. I had my first b-ball game last week and it was amazing! The girls lost by well a land slide, they only scored 4 points in the last two minutes of the game. The girl who made the point got a high five from the referee even. AWESOME!
This does wonders for my depression, I seem to be not as melancholy after the games and beyond. If only I could have basketball every day. I can't find a team to join without spending $100, and I don't have that kind of money. I find myself very jealous of people with money, not that its not our fault we don't have money, I could get off my ass and get a job but then I wouldn't get to spend time with Oscar and that's what I like the best. I did start scrapbooking last night too, which proved to be very calming after a very loud day with my sister's kids. It just proves to me even more that I should not be around them. Who knows when she'll find a daycare for them.
My new goal for counseling is to start believing in myself. Which is a very hard task, I've never liked self affirmations probably because I've never liked myself. When I look back at high school I should have liked being me, I didn't have near the weight problem. Actually I was 100lbs less in high school. Self Affirmations just feel like lies to me. I also have to stop relying on other people's opinions of me. Especially one of my very best friends...I don't do anything without her say so, which is not healthy. I even told her of my new plans and she didn't respond and all I think about now is her non-response. I know that she's just waiting for me to actually do it because I'm such a "I'm gonna do it" but then I never do. I talk big I guess.
So I'm reading through a worksheet titled "Helpful Hints for Mental Health" and the very last line says "As long as one remains dependent on others for approval, one is not free to be truley who he or she really is." And this is me to a T.
Well I better get going.
current weight: 230

Friday, January 16, 2009

Total Deviation

I'm going in a different's a survey I found on MySpace, and I didn't want to fill it out on there, so I'm doing it here..just in case someone reads it. Oh yeah and I'm being totally facetious through out the whole thing, just so you know.

Let others know a little more about yourself, re-post this as your name
followed by "ology"


What is your salad dressing of choice??
I have come to enjoy Ceasar dressing.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
I know my friends would think they know this and say Outback, but I'm dissapointed in the Outback as of late, I would say now, if I could afford to go there it would be Spencers. They have the best steak in the country, look it up!

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Uhm Pork Chops. Yeah that's right, I've perfected them, totally not healthy but I don't care.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Peperoni and olives

What do you like to put on your toast?
butter like substances.

Chocolate or Vanilla?
oh chocolate its always chocolate.


How many televisions are in your house?
four. That's right, four.

What color cell phone do you have?

Do you have a laptop?
No I do not, I don't really even have a computer or something that can be considered a computer. I use my sisters.


Are you right-handed or left-handed?
I'm a big big lefty.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
a baby once, and then after i had him I got a syst removed from my right breast

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
That would be Oscar, he's huge!!

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Never. I have ben unconscious for surgery though and I loved it.


If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Uhm yeah sure why not.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
Glorious Dragon

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
I need the money at the moment, so hell yeah I would.


How many pairs of flip flops do you own?

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
a while back.

Last person you talked to?
My sister's kids, just a second ago.

Last person you hugged?
Oscar, after he got hit in the face with a basketball.


Summer time, in the LBC.

I don't really like holidays because everything seems to go wrong at that time. I would have to say if I had to pick one though, it would be Thanksgiving, because the whole family shows up and we have a good time together.

Day of the week?
Doesn't matter, they're all the same.

August. because its hot.


Missing someone?
I miss my friends every single day.

Grey, but I did get to the counselor today.

What are you listening to?
kids fighting in the bathtub.



First place you went this morning?

What's the last movie you saw?
Pineapple express.

Do you smile often?
Not really, product of depression.

Sleeping Alone Tonight?

Do you always answer your phone?
Uhhh no actually just today I ignored a couple calls...

Its four in the morning and you get a text message, who is it?
no idea. probably won't hear the phone.

If you could change your eye color what would it be?
more green then brown.

What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?
uhm no idea...

Do you own a digital camera?
yes i got it for having a baby.

Have you ever had a pet fish?
Yes, but when they died I made mom take care of them.

Favorite Christmas song(s)?
Oh Holy Night, or the Alleluja chorus.

Can you do push ups?
uhm no

Can you do a chin up?
never in my life.

Does the future make you more nervous or excited?

Do you have any saved texts?

Ever been in a car wreck?
a jerkface t-boned me and then tried to blame it on me.

Do you have an accent?
No but I do when I'm around people that have accents. I got asked if I was Filipino one time

Plans tonight?
babysitting for my sister.

Have you ever felt like you hit rock bottom?
yeah the day I decided to take all the pain killers I had.

Have you ever been given roses?
by default.

Current hate right now?
uhm no not really.

Met someone who changed your life?
every single person I've met has changed my life in some way.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance?

Have you ever dated someone longer than a year?
I'm still with him! almost 6 years now!!! yikes!

Do you have any tattoos/piercings?
just one big ass tattoo.

Does anyone love you?
Lots of people, everyone but me.

Ever had someone sing to you?
uhm never, I'd probably punch them.

Do you like to cuddle?
Not really.

Have you held hands with anyone today?
ew. I don't do that.

Are most of the friends in your life new or old?
Old. We're all old.

Do you like pulpy orange juice?
sometimes. I don't mind it.

Have you ever ridden an elephant?
back in the day when the circus would come to burns I did indeed ride on an elephant, it was pretty awesome.

Do you like to play Scrabble?
I don't like games.

When is the last time you ate peanut butter and jelly?
I do not recall.

What were you doing 12 AM last night?
tossing and turning.

What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
thank god my head no longer hurts.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Can I handle it?

So I took great offense to my sister wanting to put her kids in day care. I pretty much forced her to move up here from Idaho so that I could help her with the kids since she got divorced, but now I'm not able to care for them so what do I do now? And she doesn't need my counsel or advise or anything because she gets all that from our aunt, so what am I doing here? I tried to not take offense and at first I was okay with it but then it was like a shot in the back, because I think she'd been planning this for a while be hind my back with my aunt. Because now all of a sudden my aunt is watching her boy all the time because "we're making it easy on you" like I'm having a nervous breakdown and should only be allowed to harm my own child. Like I would harm her child. I'm a little worried that he might harm me, he's tiny and could trip me at any moment. So yesterday after the boy spent the day with the aunt my sister asks if I can watch her boy while she goes to class and I say "I don't know, do you think I can handle it?" and she tells me to shut up. She's the one questioning me! All I really want to do this afternoon is take a nap with my boy but I'm forced to stay upstairs and get harrassed by a four year old who thinks he owns the world. "Get me this! I want that!" and I want to say "F" off little boy! but I don't. Just because his mom lets him do whatever he wants he expects it from me and apparently has been told that its okay to not listen to me because I'm wrong and he's right.
So I came to the conclusion yesterday that they're doing all this to "help me" when really its just hurting my feelings, but I'll give in and let them "help me" and I'll do what I want, which is coach basketball and stay away from her kids. How terrible am I? I'm a horrid person.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Day One

Ohh such and exciting first title I know. But, really its not day one at all, its probably day one million for me. I have no idea. I just usually talk out my ass and this is what your going to get on here. Me talking out my ass about my depression.
Yes I suffer from depression, I'm on meds and I'm going to a counselor. Is it helping, I would like to think so at times but right at this moment its not. My depression is severe and completely in my head, I really don't have much in my life to trigger this I'm just this way. If I think back in time I think I've always been depressed and just pushed it aside or was too busy to think about it much. My life now is too boring not to think and wallow in it now that all I do is sit at home with my two year old. Oh I do get out once in a while to go and coach basketball which I LOVE. But really I think right now that's the only joy I get. I know that stress in my life contributes to this dramatically which is why I try to get away from stressfull situations but I think at times I create them as well. I have been seeing my counselor for about a month now, going once a week and it is getting me somewhere, but mostly its just making me realize what a pathetic person I am, and how negative I am and its not helping me yet get out of this. I have also come to realize that I get fired from my jobs or in trouble from ALL my jobs the same exact way. I get lazy and then I get in trouble. I was up until this last week taking care of my sisters kids, no too hard right? You would think, but no now I have been replaced, I even get fired from my sister. She's telling me because I'm too stressed and her kids make me more stressed so she wants to help me out, but really she's just hurting my feelings. And she said "I'll get them in daycare in two weeks or so" but already she's phasing me out. This happens a lot to me. I get the "oh well we'll do this, and then its nope get out now!" Her kids actually kind of distract from all of my thinking problems. Now with just my boy here all I do is sit and think about what I do wrong in life.
I didn't "graduate" from college
I can't get a job
I can't take care of kids
I'm lazy and I can't clean
I'm not creative enough for anyone
I'm selfish
I'm a horible friend

I know I'm supposed to write down good things about myself but where are they? Why can't I find anything good about myself? I just end up feeling shitty and crying all the time.

I'll give you a preview, my whole week will be like this until I go see my counselor and then I'll be good for two or three days but then my brain will just switch back to this nonsence.
Oh and I'm putting this down here too, just to see what happens...
Current weight this week. 232 lbs.
I have started on my way to losing weight, all on my own...I know terrible I'm not on Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. No dieting really, I'm just not eating as much. So we'll start at that weight up there, that's my starting line. I will tell you that 6 months ago I was around 245, So I'm doing alright that way I guess.

The reason I started this blog on here was because no one in my life knows about this blog, so I will be free to write whatever I want to with out being afraid of hurting someone I know. I need a place that I can send out all my bad thoughts and feelings out and get them out of my body and maybe that might help me heal a little bit. I'm going to try and not use names or anything like that but I might. If you know me and if I offend you in anyway I'm sorry.