Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The "Holy Crap" Update blog

Uhm Okay, so I'm finally back to being better, although I'm terrified that I'm going to get the flu now from Jesse, because he finally got it. Hopefully we don't pass it back and forth, bad enough cleaning up after his puke...yuck.
I got back on my antidepressants after being told that they were probably the reason for my weirdness in my brain. Being off of them that is. So I went back on and now my brain is normal. huh. So apparently I have no serotonin levels of my own in my brain.

My sister has moved out and we hastily replaced her with three douche bags. They're terrible!! Annoying dorks, not nerds, DORKS. Terrible. Terrible decision. But we had to do it, we got a little scared we weren't going to make rent. So yeah. They're only 19 and 23...and they tell really good stories! I got this one today "I used to make beats, you know, on my computer, and send them to famous people because I knew their addresses and then I would like hear my beat on their songs a couple months later." "Uhhh sure you did, douche." oh supposedly he made up the beat to a song that was made in 1992...when he was three. yeah you did. I think he meant to tell me that he "replicated" the beat, because I don't think he could actually come up with it on his own. He said he did it back in 2001...when he was 11...and I didn't want to tell him that the song was made in 92...so he didn't "make the beat" I'm too nice. I try not to talk to them because they give me headaches.

My mom was in town for a week, we helped Mel put together her apartment and mom made me clean up my house too. stinkin mom! And then my baby brother Aba came to visit us and we went out to a couple bars for Mel's birthday. Mel is hilarious when drunk. And it gets better when I'm drunk, I can actually tolerate her a little bit. She lost her phone and almost got an STD for her birthday! Yay! We went to this white trash bar on Monroe because they had karaoke and Aba is fiend. He got a lot of girls that night just by singing a little Garth Brooks. ha! Its funny to hear him sing that because to look at him you wouldn't think he knew any country, you wouldn't think he knew every Outkast song either though. And he does. He's so unassuming. Mel made friends with another birthday girl, who was the exact same age as Mel and everything, she kept calling her "MY TWIN!!" I don't know if they were getting annoyed with her or not. But she did get threatened by a woman because Mel was hitting on her 21 year old son. haha!! What a fun night!

So I'm feeling better, and I'm taking walks. I now can fit into size 18!! I'm so excited! Two pant sizes since Dec! That's pretty good for me! I even walked to the Post Office today in the rain. My neighbor across the street wants to start jogging. And every time she says that I think of Anchorman and Ron Burgandy saying "We're trying this new thing called yogging or jogging, I think its yogging, its a soft j.." I don't yog. I walk fast and I sprint. And now a days I only sprint when being chased, which hasn't happened. I have to clean up my scrapbooking room tomorrow so I can get back to some sort of creative process. I don't know though, I have a feeling the duchebag roommate situation might have blocked it. Why?! Why did we do this to ourselves?! We should have held out for the Lesbian quiet couple! Oh yeah and the roommates like to wrestle...at 11 pm!!! and I swear to god they're trying to break walls down there. And it STINKS!!! Oh Oh! and then! They started a fire in the fireplace downstairs without asking if it works or if the freaking chimney is blocked. Just to see, no they weren't cold they were just curious. FUCKING DOUCHE BAGS!!!!!! I want to punch them!! Okay I got that out now.

So what else...
OH! Jesse got through and passed both the video based test and the physical based test for the Boarder Patrol. Now we just wait for the Selective Service to get back to us and then the back ground check! I keep praying and hoping that this keeps going right. If it does and he goes to training, we're going to put everything in storage and get the heck out of this house. And then I'm going to couch hop for 3 months. yay!
I better get going. Hopefully I'll be on more often so I can keep up with everything.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Apparently I'm On the Oregon Trail

I'm still sick. 4 weeks now! Yay! And now I'm having paranoia and I can't remember things very well. Yeah I think there's something wrong with me. But really am I going to go in and talk to a dr. about being paranoid and not think that he'll think I'm just talking about nothing. blah. I can't even write anything. I'm sorry. Oh and I don't have internet anymore, so I'll only be able to blog very randomly. poo.

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Oregon Trail

So everytime someone I know is sick for more than a couple days, I start to imagine them with old-timey illnesses. Like those from the old Oregon Trail game. Randa has been missing in action lately because she is deathly ill. Not really, but to hear her talk about it, she is. Hahaha. Anyway, when she talks about being sick, I picture her in an old prairie dress with tiny flowers on it. Bonnet and everything, riding in the back of a wagon, with her hand draped across her forehead. She's feeling poorly because of her delicate womanly disposition. But then the wagon train has to cross a river. Randa, being too sick to move, maintains her position in the back of the wagon. She promptly gets thrown out at the first bump. That's when she gets bitten by a snake. Some kindly old man drags her by her foot across the river. She accidently swallowed some water, so now she has diarrhea. And pneumonia, and tuberculosis. At this point, she's probably not feeling too well, so she sits down to rest. Then a wagon tips over and traps her legs. With her last bits of strength, she writes out a note to tell me how sick she is. She ties it to the back of a badger and sends it on its way.
If that badger hadn't been hit by a car in front of my house, I totally would've written back to her...to tell her she should have remembered her cell phone.
Really, she just has a sinus infection.
And gets mad when she realizes I haven't been listening to her at all on the phone, but have instead been imagining the above scenario with various ailments and message deliverers.
Get well soon!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Leslie Made Me Do This!

Leslie asked me why I haven't posted any new pictures of my scrapbooking adventures. This is the biggest reason, because I did this one....
First sorry for the blurry picture it just adds to the monstrosity. I think I was scrapping blind or something, I used stronger less PC words to discribe my abilities to Leslie, but she's more tollerant of me talking like an asshole.

This one is better, I like the picture of him and the drum, my uncle Joe got it for him...to torture Jesse and I, little does he know, we loved it!

This is a picture of my uncles with Oscar, they love him...well they did before Melanie came and ruined everything with her "cute" kids. Ugh. Okay not really I'm being a bitch.

So the wide open space there is for "journaling" I just don't know what to write. So it remains blank. What can I say besides "Everyone called you a fat baby, but I saw way fatter babies then you. This picture proves nothing."

So there you have it my most recent scrapbooking pictures. I've finished another book today. I'm an animal!!

You know I don't speak Portuguese!

So Randa invited me to author some blogs on here, to be completely unfunny and dull. So I shall begin with the fact that when I tried to sign up for a google account, my email address was already in use! By someone named larissa karoline from Brazil. As far as I know, I have not gone to Brazil and changed my name. And I don't take Ambien, so I couldn't have done that in my sleep. I changed everything into my name, so hopefully this Brazilian identity stealer won't strike again. And if she does, I don't know, I guess I could yell at her in strange Spanish phrases. Which she might partly understand. Estoy bailando en la mesa!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Convoluted Jiggle Bellies

Leslie always acuses her husband of going after "giggle bellies" (women with a big gut obviously). He said something the other day about working at JC Penny, and Leslie asked if he was going to work in the lengerie department so he can take a woman's bra off in 5 minutes. And he said "no I want to work in the plus sizes." "why so you can chase around the giggle bellies??" and then she made groping gestures with her hands. She's been going to the gym lately and working with a trainer, she talked to her mom today and her lovely mom says "I just hope your going for you and not some other reason..." Like she was going because her husband hates her and will not love her until she's 110lbs. Then her mom continues and says "Well its not like you'll ever be super skinny." Awesome, I wish I had a mom like hers! I would have a way more interesting blog.

Today on the phone we talked about my boobs, and how they're saggy and when I was in the garage looking in the freezer they froze to the floor, well my nipples did anyway...and Jesse came in to help and I swung around and they sliced at him like light sabers. This was all her talking by the way, I am not this funny...then after she says this crap about my boobs being light sabers she says "well talk to you later!"

Leslie and I hadn't seen eachother in 5 years or so and we talked about meeting up in Portland to go to the zoo with the families. While we were planning this we were asking ourselves "what are we going to do when we see eachother?" "will we scream like 13 year old girls?" "No we will run up to eachother and our fat bodies will knock together and we will be thrown to the ground where we will just roll around for a while because we're too fat to get off the ground." Neither of us take our weight very seriously, this must be a problem.

I ate way too much today, it was like I was starving all day. I must be pregnant. If I'm pregnant I will change the title of my blog to PREGO RANDA PANTS! No I won't I'll have to brain storm with Leslie to figure out a very snappy title for ANOTHER blog about someone being pregnant and all the joys that come with it. But it won't be joyus, I will write all about my puking and my heartburn, and how I can't sleep and how I can't eat, and then I will tell an uncensored version of the delivery and how I hemoraged afterward and had some doctor in my hoo-haa up to his elbows to clean out all the clots. (This happend the last time I was stupid enough to have a baby). Hopefully if I do end up pregnant I will loose 20 lbs during the pregnancy again. That will get me down to 200lbs...and then this time I vow to keep it off.

I must not be pregnant, there's something else going on, it must be stress that I'm not paying attention to that is making me hungry. The stress that Jesse went to work for a whole four hours today, and still hasn't heard anything about his unemployment coming through. Or the stress that I for some reason can't even be considered by a head shop as an aplicible canditate. I would sell the shit out of glass "smoking pipes" I would! Then I would have fodder for this fledgling blog. Am I talking out of my range here? I feel like I'm talking way above myself today for some reason. Maybe its the frozen fingers and boobs.

I just got done reading "Wicked," I think it took maybe a day and a half. I LOVED IT! I never liked The Wizard of Oz, never...so to see it written this way was wonderful for me. I liked the whole story of the Witch's life and her view on what happened. I liked her version much better then Dorothy's. I never liked Dorothy or her silly little dog.
So now I'm on to "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius" which is to me, if I could write a book is pretty much how I would sound. So I love it. I also started "The Time Travelers Wife" and "The Angel of Darkness" Yes I start several books so I can go back and forth when I get tired of reading one, just incase I get tired. I started with The Angel of Darkness, but then I got AHWSG and had to start that one, but then I got Wicked back from my aunt and started that one at her house on Sunday and finished it last night. But now I'm totally engrossed with AHWSG so I will probably get done with it by tomorrow. I'll have to update my "book list."

I really should put more thought into this whole blog thing and maybe get a little more organized and add pictures and spend hours a day getting the whole thing ready and then unveil it to the world for all to see and enjoy. Ugh so much work though!

Monday, March 2, 2009

"Homo Loving Commie"

I honestly don't have much to write, I'm dying of the plague and this might be my last post... Okay I'm being dramatic.

My friend Leslie hates Twilight. I told her I saw a Twilight shirt in the mall and I was going to send it to her, she said she would wear it to the gym. I said people would ask her who her favorite character is and she would say "the vampire? what are you talking about? I thought this shirt was about night time." And then she would say she hates Twilight but she loves Harry Potter and that she's an awesome wizard. And anytime anyone says something about Twilight she's going to say a Harry Potter spell. But pronounce it wrong. "Alhoa amora!" "Ahora Magora!"
This was just an excerpt of our phone conversations. I'm sure the FBI loved it. They love our talks about our cat terrorists. I'm sure we're being recorded by the FBI because one day we said Terrorist over 40 times in one conversation, just to get their attention. Then they're forced to listen to our everyday banter about Harry Potter and making porn.
Our idea's on the phone range from talks of t-shirts:
"Its like gay porn but with a vagina"
"That's what she said" (which I was very sad to see was already on a shirt being sold at JC Penny)
The it shifts to things like ohh our cats being terrorists, Leslie's cat Arlowe is the leader and my sister's cat is a go to kinda cat because she gets to leave the house. They somehow get messages back and forth to each other by a very complex system of cat hair on coats. Leslie swears that she's seen Arlowe in a turban at one point in time. Tinkerbell as I am told her name is...has been spotted on the phone several times no doubt plotting their next move.
Then we get into talking about our crazy dreams which could fill an entire blog by itself. I honestly should just start my own little spin off "dream blog" which would just be my dreams from the night before. Yes I remember almost all of my dreams. And they are in color and mostly like movies. I'm not a real believer in my dreams telling me anything because they usually don't make any sense at all. Or their too real to even be trying to tell me anything. My dreams are always half lit too, like the lighting is off, so in the day time I have to have lights on or else I think I'm stuck in a dream and it kinda freaks me out. I have dreams where I was dreaming in a dream and had to wake myself up in the dream and then wake up from that dream. Or sometimes I figure out that I'm dreaming and I change things in my dream to go the way I want it to go.
Our newest talk has been about how Republicans love babies and guns and hate "the gays." And we've decided that they are soon to develop a baby cannon so they can eradicate "the gays" with babies. I know it sounds counter intuitive but most of the Republican ideals are. OHH! BURN!

I spend a lot of time looking on Craigslist at the postings in the Political section to get a good laugh in now and then. Usually there is stuff from a paranoid schizophrenic about being "gang-stalked" I have yet to google this word hmm maybe I will now!
"Gang stalking is a psychological harassment that can completely destroy a persons life, while leaving little or no evidence of the perpetrators." This definition come from gang stalking world.com. I'm a little scared to click on the link because I think its a slippery slope. I'll see if Wikipedia has anything more...
And they don't. They just have information on Stalking. Lame.

Sometimes when I say something I want to quote lines from movies. I've been doing this since high school. I tend to think that I'm rather witty when I do it because I chose the exact moment to use the line. I don't just spit out phrases. My brother has a friend who does this and its annoying, he talks completely in movie quotes but usually they have nothing at all to do with the situation. He just says them. When I first heard him do this I thought to myself "do I sound this dumb?!" I can't! And then I was listening to a radio morning show and the female on the show said that why men talk in movie quotes is because they can't think any original thoughts. And that threw me because 1. I am not a man. and 2. I swear I have original thoughts!! My best showing of using phrases from movies was once when I was with my mom and one of her friends they sent me in somewhere real quick to grab something and I turned and said "If I'm not back in 5 minutes...Just wait longer!" (Ace Ventura Pet Detective). It was a crowning achievement for me, they laughed hysterically. My other friend at school and I would have to quote the name of the movie after we said a line at times because people wouldn't know what we were talking about. My friend Leslie and I can quote the entire movie of Tommy Boy. I once did a scene from the movie at dinner in front of several people. At the urgent request of my friend, and because there were dinner rolls available.

Well this turned out to be quite interesting. I was going to write the story behind the main title to show that it just didn't come out of nowhere, but now I'm tired, and I need to take some sudafed and go to bed. Jesse actually has work tomorrow which means I actually have to hang out with my boy child. Ugh. Yeah I liked that he works because we need money but it was really nice to have someone else here to change diapers.