Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Ugh, staying positive is tough work

I've been re-reading Buddism Plain and Simple, to try and get myself to calm down and stay positive, but its not working. All the right speach and right thoughts in the world aren't helping. Maybe its because I'm off my meds again. Maybe I should do that, I've been told before not to go off them, but I can't seem to get my butt to the pharmacy. Oh and now my doctor no longer takes my insurance so I have to find a new doctor, but another thing, I might not have insurance after July anyway, so what's the point? I need to find one I guess so I can't get my prescription re uped for a couple months anyway because they're only $9 without insurance. That's pretty good I guess.
I've been feeling like I don't want to talk to anyone because I'm in such a funk and I don't want to hear "it will get better" because I know it will, it just doesn't feel like it right now. All I do is bitch and complain and I'm tired of it, I'm tired of myself. I'm really worried that we won't be able to go down to Burns because we don't have any money. Jesse has only worked 23 hours in the last two weeks and well this week isn't shaping up to be any better, he didn't work yesterday and he isn't at work today and its stressing me out. Ive been really good about not letting it get to me but now its building up a little too much. I don't know what to do. I can't ask for money from my parents because they don't have any. We can't ask Jesse's dad for money because we already got $500 from him a couple months ago, none of our family memebers have any money to give. And even if we did ask and get some it would only get us through a week or so. We are now two months behind on bills. The only things that are getting paid at the moment are the rent and the car. And even that is proving to be difficult. I feel like I'm suffocating. I hate being at home but I have no where to go. I can't go to sleep because I just lay there and think of all the shit that's going on that I can't talk to anyone about because its too depressing and I've gone over it a million times already.
I can't stop eating. All I want to do is just stuff my face with food all the time, I'm hungry all day long, and all I think about besides the huge mess we're in is eating. I've tried to just drink water and its not working. I got out the gazelle and started using that at night after I put oscar to bed but still nothing stops me from wanting to just eat everything in the house. I want to walk out my front door and not come back.
The only bright spot is that the loan went through for the schooling so I should be getting stuff from them soon about all my materials. Then hopefully in three to four months I'll be making money of my own. But again, its that 3 to 4 month wait that I have there that I can't stand. We also still don't know what's going on with the house. We do know that Jesse's mom is coming up here and we get to kick the roomates out and they will hopefully be gone by the time I get back from my trip to Eugene.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Uhm Hellooo?!

So I'm still here, I think...

Here and around I guess. My computer is a piece of crap, you've heard this before and you'll hear it again, until I get a new one. Which should be soon!
Financial woes continue, but now I'm used to them, and it doesn't make them go away by complaining about them, we're just trying to fix our situation. Jesse is still waiting to hear about the job with the Boarder Protection, its driving him nuts which in turn drives me nuts. He passed everything so far, so now its just the wait and see if he passes the background check. I on the other hand have been going insane with hormones and the like. I got an IUD a month ago and I haven't been the same since. Its all the progesterone that is in my uterus. Its making me crazy, and hungry. I've gained 7lbs or so since I got the damn thing. All my work to train myself has gone out the window as I have no self control anymore. Oh and to make matters even better, I fell off my front step. That's right no s, just step, and almost broke my shin. So I can't go for long quick walks at the moment without hurting. I pulled all the muscles in my right leg I think, no I didn't go to the doctor because there was no swelling and no bruise to show anyone. Just tears of pain. Thank god for good neighbors. I had to call my next door neighbor because I was out flat on my butt with a crying two year old in my arms. Yeah I was holding Oscar at the time. Awesome. I asked Jesse to bring up my gazelle so I had some sort of exercise without the impact but he has yet to do it. Thanks! Jerk. I haven't been his biggest fan lately.
So for the biggest good news...I'm going to be taking Medical Transcribing classes!! Yay!! They're sending me a computer, a headset, a foot pedal, books, and then I get online help, phone help and then they'll find me a job when I'm all done!! I'm SOO EXCITED!!!
I did a lot of computer clean up today and I'm hoping that will help the internet problem so I should be able to write more on here. If I have anyone left to read it!! Oh well, my own personal diary.
I'm headed to Burns in a couple weeks for my nephew's graduation. I can't believe he's graduating from high school already, he should only be like 6 years old or something. He's going to go into the mortuary business. He really likes it, he's been working at the mortuary in Burns for a little while and loves it...I always knew he was a little off. He wants to be an embalmer!! Crazy kid. My brother finally graduated from College a couple weeks ago, and just a shade under a decade too, alright! So anyway I'm headed to Burns, Jesse is going down and picking up his mom and dragging her back up here because she can't find a job in Burns and hopefully will find one up here. I'll be there for a week or so and then I'm headed to Eugene to spend a couple weeks with my best friend Leslie, where we will drive her husband nuts I'm sure. I'm excited about this. It should be a good visit.
So this place I used to work at called Hastings here in Spokane, there's four of them, well there was anyway. The one I worked at for a combined total of 2 years has shut down. They shut down a while ago I just now noticed!! How sad. I knew they were doing bad, they were doing bad when I worked there but I didn't think they would be shutting down. It almost made me sad, but I guess that's the times around here. Which is weird with places like that shutting down they're building more shops just down the way a little bit. They just put in a Red Lobster for some reason!
Anyway back to the medical transcribing, I think it will be really good for me, because I can stay at home, it won't take me too long to take the courses and I should make decent money doing it. They said the first year you can make $40 grand which is well 40 more then I'm making now so awesome!! Plus if Jesse does get the job I can easily move around. I'm excited. can you tell? How many times have I said it.
The down side of Jesse getting the job is that we'll have to move. We really have come to love our neighborhood. We have gotten to know the neighbors across the street really well and they're our ages and we just have a lot of fun here now. The house isn't the greatest but it works for us. And if I get that job we can KICK THE ROOMMATES OUT!!!! YAYAYAYAYAY!!! But again the job for Jesse would be good because its better money then he makes now, its more consistent and its a job that won't break his body. I would really like to stay here. Another problem though that has arised is the fact that the house is getting foreclosed on. We kept getting notices and kept giving them to the rental company and they kept saying "don't worry about it" and now we got the big one saying that they will auction off the house in August...And depending on what happens we will get served with an eviction notice then. The rental company swears they have a buyer but he's dragging his feet over the price, because the value of the home is lower then the amount of the loan. Imagine that. And we thought that the owner was just someone who lived here and then moved out but no, this dude has 17 other properties!!! And they're all going into forecloser!!! What bank gives a guy loans for 17 houses?!!?! Anyway just another commentary on what is going on in the country. Rediculous. Or as the crazy pigeons say in Bolt "Redonkulous" ha! I've only seen Bolt I think 10 times now. In less then a week. Thanks to a 2 year old who refuses to watch anything else...oh wait he watches Speed Racer too. "Go go go go Speed RACER!!" That's what I've been hearing a lot lately.
Well the evening sun is burning my retinas and the shade doesn't work in here. So I better get going and check on dinner.
Hopefully I can write more later. I'm not promising though!!