Thursday, October 29, 2009

My body image.

So a quick update on the Dad situation. He didn't call the doctor yesterday. I talked to my brother and he said this "The cancer never went away." Uhm okay I'm not listening to him but drawing my own conclusion. The way dad's cancer works is that it went dormant and stopped forming tumors, but apparently it still dissolves bones. This is why dad has to get Zomeda which is a bone strengthener. And apparently his cancer has started to dissolve his ribs and according to my brother it has completely taken one rib out. (I will wait to hear from my mom to take this as fact) So today I'm researching and I will be most likely making a huge involved confused blog about it later.

So I know that I've been over this, and over this. But I am not happy with my body. I don't know if I've ever been happy with it. I think I was a little apathetic towards it until after college. And then I started hating it. I remember it was right after college when I saw my first stretch mark. My body didn't couldn't wait until I had kids to give me these scars. And I really don't like when people just blame stretch marks on childbearing. I also hate that people blame weight gain on having kids. I lost 20 lbs during the first five months of my pregnancy and only gained those 20lbs back in the last four months. Then when I went in for a check up two weeks after I had my boy I found that I lost 30lbs. I was ecstatic. And then in the year following I gained 50lbs. The heaviest I've been is 250lbs. I'm 5'9". So 250 to me is different then 250 for someone say a normal 5'5" but it's still fat. People didn't know I was THAT fat, just big, and everyone in my life is too nice to me to say "dude, you need to do something."
I know in my head and heart that I need to do something about my weight. I just have a hard time finding the motivation in myself in my own heart and head to DO something about it. I know at one point I'm going to hit a breaking point and just say "that is it" and have my own little "Today Show" moment and lose 100lbs but I want to know when. I want to know when I'll actually hit bottom with this problem. Sometimes and this is probably going to sound sick but I want Jesse to tell me he doesn't think I'm attractive anymore. I wonder if that might jump start something, because all this self loathing isn't working.
I also wonder that if I had money to get a personal trainer if that would work for me. I think I do need outside motivation to do this. Because personally I don't care. I'm not in the public, I avoid it, and when I do go out I dress as nondescript at possible.
I would like to say though, without people saying back to me "nooo that's not true" that I feel in my own impression that I am not cute as a fat girl. There are many women that are "large women" that I thing are ADORABLE. But myself? No I'm not I have a potato face and and ugly set up to a body. Not that I was a super model when I was skinny, but hey I got ass when I was. I look at old pictures and wonder why I didn't use it to my advantage sooner. Or why I didn't keep it. Why did I let myself get like this? What happened? What in my brain broke and made me stop doing anything to keep in shape?
All of this comes down to the fact that my friend is coming to visit in February and we have plans to "relive our 20s" and to do that, I need to be a lot lighter. Because I was 135lbs in my 20s. And now at this moment I am 240lbs. Can you do math, because I can. I know it is totally unrealistic for me to lose 105lbs in 4 months but I do want to do something. For some reason when I try to work out or 'eat less' it lasts for three days and then I'm right back to the eating huge portions and eating all day and sitting on my ass.
So tell me life planners out there how do I motivate myself? How does a person who has no money to join a gym or buy a Wii or ABSOLUTELY no will to "jog" to get into shape? Or just get less fat??
Anyone? Anyone?

Monday, October 26, 2009

Getting back to it

Well after over a month of not working on my school stuff I'm back to it. I started back up Friday and got done with two transcriptions. I cheated on one but the other one I did myself. It was short and simple. I'm working up to the hard ones. I'm going to do the assignment today, I really have to get going on this because I really need a job. This being poor is not working for us anymore.
We're settling in and Oscar has finally stopped saying "I wanna go home" all the time, which is nice. I'm liking the kitchen a lot more then our old one. There's WAY more room. I miss my office, but this is alright because I can have Oscar in here to watch TV while I play work on the computer.
I really don't have much to say today. My brain is feeling clogged up and not willing to spit anything out.
So I'll leave you with that.
And a quick update on my dad.
He had to get a bone marrow biopsy and they'll have the results of that on Wednesday. His oncologist, according to my mom, wasn't all that worried about "the mass" and his cracked ribs but did put him back on the bone strengthener. So my mom is relieved. I'm waiting till Wednesday to be relieved.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

My Dad.

Uhm this is hard for me because the first thing I want to do is cry. And the second thing I want to do is tell myself "quit crying."
About 7 years ago, I think, if my math is correct. My dad was diagnosed with a type of cancer called Multiple Meyloma. It's a bone/blood cancer that at the time should have gave him only six months. But my mom told the doctor not to tell her things like that because she had counted on 60 years at least with the man. (God only knows why!) So it started out as a tumor on his spine the probably would have been found earlier had he not lived in such a shit hole with such terrible doctors. But I'm being mean. He went through radiation and chemo and then he had surgery to remove a vertebrae. He has titanium rods in his back now, which he says gets super cold along with the weather.
When my dad got the first diagnosis I had just moved home from college after pretty much getting fired from a call center job that I hated. He had just lost his office manager so it was "my turn" to help him with his business. I remember when he had his "fanny pack" of chemo on his hip at work, and no one knew he was going through it because he never showed any signs of being sick or tired. Well to anyone but us. We knew. I knew he was tired, I knew he was sick. But I also knew in my heart that he was going to be just fine. Because the man is a bastard. He's just a strong bastard of a man and to ornery to die. After going through the radiation and chemo and surgery the doctors said he had a choice. He could go through chemo again every so often, or do a T-cell transplant and give him a greater chance of the cancer not EVER coming back. So he took option B, because he hated the chemo. He spent a month in the hospital and a couple more months recovering at home. It was weird to see my dad without hair. My whole life I never saw my dad with out hair and it was definitely different. He wouldn't take off his hat in public, not even for the anthem...(I know right?!)
He got better, and the mass was gone and all he had to do was go monthly to get a bone strengthener.
Well today I got news from my mom that they have found a similar mass on his ribs. So it looks like it's back for a second round. This is coming after we found out about a month or so ago that his sister's cancer had also come back, her's this time in her lymph nodes. This happened last time but in reverse. Dad got it first then his sister. Oh then his other crazy sister decided that "she had cancer too" but it was never really talked about, I always thought she was faking...(my opinion)
My dad has an appointment on Friday to see his oncologist and to get a better x-ray to make sure exactly what is going on with his ribs. So after that we will know more what is going on. The thing is, it's kinda thrown everyone in the family for a loop. I called my sister after talking to mom and I could tell she was crying, and I said "so it's okay for me to cry?" Then the next day my oldest sister called to see how I was doing, and we both just sat on the phone wondering how to take the whole thing. Dad is still not ready to talk about it. Of course. I know in my heart and from what I've read that it is not necessarily a death sentence if the cancer has come back. It just means more radiation and more chemo, which will be harder for him, because more is always bad of those two things.
I know with so many people touched with a cancer story this one is typical. It is one in a million or more, but it is our story. And it's hard on my mom. She's definitely not the same this time around as she was the last time. I think it has partly to do with the fact that she just got back from seeing her sister go through a surgery to remove lumps from her breast. And of course my dad's sister's cancer coming back.
My first instinct is to joke around with my dad and just try to ease everything a little. The first thing I told my mom after she told me the news was "Is he trying to show his sister up or something? Just because she has her cancer back doesn't mean he has to too!" And I know that would make my dad laugh. I would get a chuckle out of him. I haven't had a chance to talk to him in a couple of months or so, well a good talk anyway. I usually talk to him a couple of times a month, I don't know what happened this last month or two. I hope that as a family we get through this again. I know that my mom is a strong woman, but she's going to need a lot of support, I just hope we are up to the challenge.
Give a little prayer, if that's what you do, or just keep my dad and my mom in your thoughts tomorrow. I know some of you don't know them personally, but trust me, they're good people!
I know that most of my posts are very disjointed, but this might be the worst! Please forgive me!

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Moving sucks.

I grew up in one house. I never moved. My oldest sister was the only one that moved. Once mom and dad found their home in our little town they never left. I didn't start moving around until college. Then it started just with moving from dorm to home then to a new dorm. Junior year I lived with my uncle in his apartment, then senior year I moved into a house with two friends. After senior year I stayed in that house for a little while longer then moved into another house after my friend moved out of Spokane. After that I moved home to my mom and dad's. I tried to move out while living in my home town but that proved disastrous because I moved in with a meth head. I didn't know she was a meth head until after I moved in. So I moved back with my mom and dad. Then I met Jesse and well four months into the relationship I was pregnant and we figured "well we better move in together." So we did and the day before we got the place, I had a miscarriage, but it didn't stop us from moving in together. Okay so lets see I'm up to uhm well we'll start after college...4 places. So after six months of living together in our hometown we moved here to Spokane. First place sucked. Second place was okay, but the roommate situation wasn't the best. Then I was pregnant and we moved in with my aunt and uncle for a little bit because we couldn't afford to live on our own. After that we moved into the "rent-controlled" apartments. Lived in one for almost a year, then moved next door. Okay so that's 9 places. Then finally we found our last place that I LOVED and will always love. And then we had to move here. To a small little house with no privacy from a parent and ugh. The last place was the longest I've lived somewhere since college. I know that people do this a lot, but I didn't. I don't like it. And especially since we had found such an ideal neighborhood and a good house. So now the plan is to stay here for 2 years and what if I get used to it here?! I want to have a place and just live. I'm tired of packing up everything and doing all this crap. It exhausts me.
So here we are in the new house, and according to Jesse we will not be moving again for at least two years. If all goes to plan that is...and if this house doesn't go into forclosure. I can get used to it here. I'm not sure if I'll continue to like living with his mother but I guess I can deal with it.
Okay so are you ready for some bad pictures? Here goes!

This is the new living room, well part of it. I don't have a wide angle lens on my camera phone.

The wood stove that is doing all the work at the moment because the furnace is d-e-d dead. And well now we have to wait to see what the owner wants to do. Fix it or replace it, but either way we have to wait for it. Ahh so nice winter hasn't set in yet.

This is a pond in the back yard. The tiny backyard. I'm going to eventually post picture of this back yard and our old one to show the difference. Oh and Oscar has already jumped into this slimy pit...

Aaanndd the haunted shed. That Jesse's mom wants to keep forever for some reason and I say get rid of it to make more room for the back yard, but guess who wins? Oh yeah the mom, because well she's mommy! Ugh. It's such wasted space!

And here's my office/closet. See that printer? Yeah it won't work with my computer. So now I have to set up my old dinosaur computer to use to print things, but it's alright because I can use it for musics too, instead of infecting my lappy with all sorts of crap.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Learning from other Blogs

I'm learning as I go here. Well I've been "blogging" for a little while. Almost four years I think. I know that's not as long as some out there, but long for me. But mostly it's just been a journal for me and some family members. Anyway as time has gone on and I have found other blogs I am amazed at how juvenile my blog is. How terrible my pictures are. Now this is not me fishing for complements, this is just my brain. I'm giving you a peek...ha...well see my brain always compares me to everyone else around me. And for some reason my brain always has me coming up short. It's just the way it is. I've never been number one. I tried working on this with my counselor but apparently I was "fixed" because I stopped crying at every session. Ahhh how the brain likes to trick me. Anyway, I'm finding new blogs here and there and most of them I like. You can look to your left and see a good list of blogs that I read and like a lot. I have found some new one just recently that have been around for YEARS but they're new to me.
What I have noticed is that I am poor. I can't afford to get my own website. I can't afford an awesome camera to take pictures. I can't afford to have photo shop on my computer to fix those pictures. So here I am, just typing. And hoping that someone out there is reading.
Something else that I have found is that you can tell who likes who. There is a big sense of the "cool" crowd and the "rebel" or as we called them in high school "the stoner" group. I liked all groups. I flitted around and didn't really care. The stoners were okay with me, and the preppy kids liked me too I guess. Anyway point being I found one blog and I don't know if I want to be specific or not but MAN! I could instantly tell what blogs "they" followed, without looking at "their" blog roll. I knew right away just from the pictures, because they looked oddly photoshoppy familiar. And I thought to do they do that with their pictures?? No I answered myself pretty quickly with the photoshop answer.
It makes me wonder, because I have been on both sides of the fence with these "groups" even though I'm what is known as a "lurker" and probaby a "stinkin new kid" but... There are some blogs that I like and some I don't. There are blogs that I no longer follow because well one because the woman was always talking about how fat she was when in her pictures she looked a size two...dude. I don't care about fat skinny whatever. Don't tell me some kid asked you if you're pregnant when you're a size two. That didn't happen. And if it did, if that kid ever saw me he'd think "man! are you two people?!" Another for a host of reasons none of which I will get into because I don't want to appear to be a uhm well attention whore, because when you mention said blogger that's what people accuse you of, that or "jealous." Which I am...definitely jealous, because if I lived where she did I would be close to one of my very best friends/roommate. And if I were her I would have lots of money, which as I have and will mention A LOT I don't have a lot of money.
moving on!
I like blogs that you can have conversations with people. I would like this to go that route eventually. I like topic starters and like to have lots of contributions from people. In essence I like banter. I don't like when the person who wrote the blog writes then never says anything else till the next blog. I think you should occasionally comment back. I think in my last post that I had to, because once people started commenting I kept saying "OH I remember another name that I hate!" And wanted to add more to my post.
I don't understand "give-away blogs" at all. I mean really? You give shit away? That's never going to happen on this blog. I don't have the money. (Another day another post)
People talk about going to conventions like blogging is the new Amway. I will probably never understand it. Will I get to see my favorite bloggers in person? Probably never. Although I have found a blogger with the same last name as mine. Which is amazing to me. What is sad is that I commented and pointed that out and I got nothing. Gave me a flash back to high school and pointing out to someone I was playing basketball against that she had the same shoes as me, and she didn't respond so I knocked her to the ground as much as possible during the game...but I digress. Seriously if someone EVER comes to my blog saying "I have the same last name/first name/middle name whatever to me I will definitely respond. Most likely by saying STOP STEALING MY IDENTITY! Because it's a crappy identity. And then I will kindly ask them to clean up my credit for me.
Okay so point of this post is that I like that there are millions of blogs out there because there are enough to love and not love. Follow and not follow. Make fun of and copy.
If you it for the reasons that you want. And if you read mine, please be gentile. I've already beat myself up enough. Oh and if you wanna be mean well it better be for good reasons. Like I made fun of your grandmother or something. Or I will start a page just for mean comments about me. And not make any money off of it. Because google kicked me off of ad sense.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Baby Names I could do with out.

I've been sitting on this for a while, because well it's kinda mean. And judgemental. But I'm feeling mean and judgemental. Things are going on in my brain that are making me crazy and hating life, so I have to take it out on people I don't know about what they name their kids...First off throw a stone back at me because I named my son Oscar. I wanted to name him Samuel Oscar, but I had to switch it because his dad's last name starts with a B, and one of my best friends told me "YOU CAN NOT GIVE YOUR SON THE INITIALS S.O.B." So I switched. I love it. I don't hear it very often yet it's not something silly. Plus it's a family name. My grandpa who I love had a brother named Oscar. So go ahead tell me your dog's name is Oscar, I've heard it before. You know how many pug dogs are named Oscar? A MILLION!
First off I have to go after people who spell common names funny. I could have gone and spelled Oscar like this: Oskar, to be cool and different, and then I thought, wait, it's already different enough. Just because every other kid has that name doesn't mean you have to spell it different to be different. If there are too many people with the same name and you don't like it, don't name your kid that.
Here's a list of names that I've compiled that I think are dumb silly. In MY OPINION!
I dunno it just sounds silly to me.
I know, I know, someone just named their baby this, but REALLY? Have you heard of Sailor Moon? It's anime...
I also saw it spelled Cinsere, wow.
If you look's U.S. Navy. Awesome
I think it's just because I don't like Brody Jenner all that much. But really Bro really.
Rowan what?? a boat?
Ever Rowan
Someone I kinda know of was seriously going to name a little girl this.
Summer Buhreeze
I can't remember where I saw this one, but yes that's how they spelled Breeze...
Poppy Honey
I think Leslie just made this up.
Famous People are silly...
Poet or Poem,
 I can't remember which one it was that the crazy hippy named him. HIM...
from that new show The Middle. I like the show, just not the names...
Seriously people, just because your famous
Zowie Bowie (David Bowie...really? Really...)
Alexis (Like Kanye says "couldn't afford one so you called your daughter alexis) the cheep malt liquor...awesome!
ick, I don't know it just sounds lame to me.
Right up there with Speed.
I think the weirdest name though has to be Pilot Inspektor...or however he spells it.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

My TV Guilt

I have shows that I like to watch, that no one else does. I'm not just talking the people that I live with, but family and friends.
1. The Hills: I never watched the Laguna Beach, I got sucked into The Hills I think last year, after I made fun of a cousin for watching it. I think it was karma or something. Anyway I have to watch it, and I even record to watch it all by myself. There's something soothing and hypnotic about really dumb rich people. That said, I can't stand Real House Wives shows. I know, isn't that weird? I even feel bad for the main girls sometimes and yell at the TV. "YOU NEED A FRIEND LIKE ME!" I would probably get in fights all the time. I hate Spenser and Heidi with a passion. And I don't think Heidi ever watches the show because if she did she's dumber then I thought because anyone watching the show can tell that Spenser is a sociopath and quite possibly a murderer, I'm not sure. And the flesh colored facial hair...DON'T GET ME STARTED! Ugh, and Audrina with her stupid boyfriend/but says he's not her boyfriend Justin/Bobby. First off, dude seriously, how did you ever let people start calling you that. And second. You're a douche bag. Audrina might be vapid and a bit of a cardboard cut out but you sir, need to jump off a cliff. Oh and Kristin Cavaliari...Okay not a good switch from L.C. What a vulture/bitch! I call her a vulture and I would probably say it to her face, if I were drunk enough, because she just goes after guys that all her "friends" just dumped. Seriously? I wonder why they're ex's in the first place? Oh but she knows what she wants. She wants the leftovers. Oh yeah!

2. Naughty Kitchen with Chef Blythe: Holy crap, the woman's voice drives me nuts, but I can't stop watching. It's, I don't even know what it is, but it's awesomeness. Everything is naughty, and I love it! And the "door whores" are hilariously stupid. And I love that she actually says that as she walks away. "I feel dumber after talking to them." Dude. I want to meet her. She just seems like someone I would hang with. I just think it's hilarious that she's always talking "naughty" about everything and she sounds like a sorority girl who's smoked too many cigs and sucked too many dicks.

3. Real World vs. Road Rules Challenges: All of them. I don't watch The Real World by itself, and I don't think Road Rules is even on anymore. But the Challenges. Oh hells yeah I watch them. Those I make Jesse watch. This season is awesome. Some girl popped her implants belly flopping into the ocean. If that's not awesome I don't know what is. I've missed one or two this season, but not to worry, they show them all again and again and again on MTV. At this very moment I'm on to see what exactly happened with Shauvon's boobs. I'm worried! That's the worst crying I've ever seen! Ohh I love highlights.

4. Hoarders: Only because sometimes I feel like I could be that out of control...but then I couldn't stand the smell.

5. Intervention: I think I just like watching other people in pain. Is that wrong? Yeah probably. But I like to hope for them that they triumph. Honestly I do. I watch every one of them with the hope that the people will get better. And seriously after how many years this has been on you think that these addicts would get a little wiser to the game..."Hmmm video cameras following me about my addiction...nooo they couldn't be intervention!"

6. A Haunting, Paranormal State: I used to watch Ghost Hunters but it's lame now because the only thing they catch is spiders really. Everything else happens off camera, and in the end they don't do anything for the haunted. I like P.S. because they help the people and they believe them that they are actually haunted. And a Haunting is just pure re-enactment gold. I like Halloween time for TV if only for the real life ghost stories. I'm not too keen on horror movies, but if it's a true ghost story I'm game. I'm still in awe that my neighbor can see ghosts. I keep wanting to go to haunted housees with her.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The Box...not mine...It's a movie!!

I keep seeing the trailer for this movie called the Box. I don't want to see it, but I want to say what I would do if said box showed up on my doorstep...Here's the plot summary from IMDB:

Norma and Arthur Lewis, a suburban couple with a young child, receive a simple wooden box as a gift, which bears fatal and irrevocable consequences. A mysterious stranger, delivers the message that the box promises to bestow upon its owner $1 million with the press of a button. But, pressing this button will simultaneously cause the death of another human being somewhere in the world; someone they don't know. With just 24 hours to have the box in their possession, Norma and Arthur find themselves in the cross-hairs of a startling moral dilemma and must face the true nature of their humanity.

Seriously. Two questions: Someone I DON'T know?? Show me the money.
Okay the second one is not really a question. But really. REALLY. If someone were to ask me this in my current situation they wouldn't be able to get the whole question out. The button would be pushed before I could blink. I am morally corrupt. Yes. Because someone I don't know just died...right now. Because every second of every day someone dies. So someone else just died. I didn't hit a button, but someone died. I also didn't get a million dollars. I would push that button in a heartbeat.
And this is why I'm not in movies.
Would you do it?

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

My Kid is Soo Not Smarter Then Yours

 This post contains the word Retard. If the word Retard offends you quit reading now. I don't honestly think my kid is retarded, I'm being sarcastic. And if I truly felt something was "wrong" with him, I wouldn't use the word Retard.

Okay here we go:

I have the opposite feeling of most moms. Even though I'm sure in some ways Oscar is very smart, I have this feeling that he might be retarded or something. Every other blog that I read that has a three year old in it, they seem to be able to speak complete sentences and in perfect English. Where as my son, I get "bobbuddyday" for Bob The Builder and "jum jum" for "Jungle Junction." And today I read a blog where someone's three year old told her a dream he had the night before! WHA?! He told you there were spiders in his dream?! Oscar can't even tell me why he fell out of bed, just that "hurt, arm broke" (It's not really broken, just that when ever he gets hurt somethings broke or bloody to him)
So I don't think you'll ever catch me saying "my kid is such a genius!" it will more likely be "what? well my kid can drive faster then yours!" "okay not really, your kid is way better then mine."
Okay so while writing this we had a potty training break through! I heard Oscar say to himself. "Oh! I have to pee." and he went in the bathroom all by himself and peed. OMG I HAVE THE SMARTEST KID ALIVE!!!!!!
And then, he pooped his pants. AGAIN. Ahh two steps forward...and giant leaps back.

Monday, October 12, 2009

The Energy Drink Made Me Do It!

I'm still kinda mad that I can't find the stinking spell check button on here. WAITASECOND! There's one on my google tool bar!! Sweet! Now I can type with ease knowing that if I  make a mistake you won't see it!
Okay so I think I'm not so mad anymore. I hope to not have outbursts like that again. And I'm hoping you won't hold it against me.
Mom was in town and when she's in town that means a trip to CostCo on dad's card...It doesn't mean we get whatever we want. But my sister and I did pull the "If she gets it I get it too!!!!" Yes we are both over 30. So we passed by all the samples because we were hungry, and tell me you don't eat the samples, and I'll call you a liar. LIAR! Anyway, sorry, so we went by a sampling of an "all natural energy drink powder" and we tried it and the lady talked us/mom into getting some. It's almost all vitamin B. And it took drinking two the day before yesterday, two yesterday, and one this morning to give me EXTRA energy. I think yesterday I was almost normal levels but I still wanted a nap. The thing about the energy drink is that it doesn't give my body energy, it makes my brain go a mile a minute. And I think that's why I snapped the other day. My brain was going and going and going, and with people being silly on the web made me a little crazy.
The good news is that today I feel up to actually doing homework. I just don't know when I'll be able to do it, because Jesse is actually working today. I did want to get up and exercise, but I didn't. I watched a little bit of TV, cleaned the kitchen for the first time in 4 days. No it hasn't been dirty for that long, I just left it to the two other adults in the family...I didn't feel like doing it.

So is it my/our responsibility to take a pet that isn't really "ours" to the pound when we and the pet owner can't have it anymore? Can I be anymore vague? Okay here...take two...
When Jesse's mom moved in she had a dog and a cat. We have a big back yard. This was okay. Even though on our lease it says no pets, we've broken our agreement on several levels. One by letting someone else live with us without putting them on the lease, and two by having pets. no one else has ever done this. So now that we're moving to a much smaller house, with a backyard that doesn't have a complete fence she has decided that we can't keep the dog. (I'm jumping up and down on the inside.) So we put him up on Craigslist and haven't had any takers. So now...we have to take him to the humane society... and we I mean, well not her. Because "I can't handle it." And I'm saying "it's YOUR dog!" But Jesse has already said "yes." So today she gets a hold of the H.S. and finds out when and how much and all and then says "Can you do this today?" I am not going to take MY CHILD and YOUR dog to the H.S. it's not my problem. I will not break my son's heart by dropping the dog that he has grown to love off. I do not think it's my responsibility. I seriously don't think it is. I can just see me trying to fill out paper work with the dog that does not do well on a leash that weighs at least 80lbs and a 3 year old terror crying because we have to leave his best friend at a pound. I don't even know what to tell him when someone else does it. Let alone leave it up to ME! So I told her. "Well if Jesse gets home he can do it." and she says "Well I think it should be done today." If she wants it done today, maybe she should do it herself right? Am I a bitch? I'm already upset about this whole moving thing, that we're doing mainly for HER to get HER closer to work, and lower the "rent" for HER. Oh and don't get me started on keeping that damn ugly ass useless shed around at the new place. Ugh. I don't like having to compete with another woman in my man's life. But that is what it has come down to. I'm getting pushed aside by another woman. And little known fact about me. I only like competition when I'm playing basketball. I will step aside...I already feel like I've been replaced on many fronts...I'm feeling that rage again...
So really should it be up to US, Jesse and I to have to take her dog to the pound, because she "just can't take it."?

Saturday, October 10, 2009

I am sooo done with people

I'm over people. Really I'm so mad at the people on my facebook except for a precious few that I want to start all over with a psudonym. I don't think politics has any place on facebook. People as a whole do not know enough about politics to involve themselves in a well thought out disscusion about it and shouldn't start on a networking site. I know enough about politics to know that I know JACK SHIT. I know this though, that when the committee that selects the Nobel Peace Prize selects someone they DESERVE IT! No matter what you think. I'm so pissed off about this that I'm shaking. And I don't know why I'm so deeply offended by people on that stupid site that I am shaking. I just am. I want to kick the shit out of something. And there is a dog in the room at the moment...please if you think I'm serious come take him away from us, we can't have him anyway.
Fuck people. I'm so freaking done with it. I don't know if this is because I've been reading new blogs that are all open to how you really feel about people. But my emotions have snowballed into a gigantic hate ball. I have found what my friend and I have deemed "the seedy underbelly of blogging" and I don't like it. I had no idea that this was all out there but it is. There are blogging confrences that only a select few can go to...or if you have the money. Or something. And who knew that blogging was SOOO IMPORTANT. That they have to have confrences.
I am so freaking angry. I need to get away from the computer. But I really have no where to go. For the next few days I think I'm going to stay away from Facebook and away from blogs. I need to clear my head and maybe do some actual work.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

How's this for blogging

So I couldn't think of a title.

I started this blog at the wrong time of night. Its almost "get the kid ready for bed time" because we have a strict schedule in this house and we keep to it!! I have three minutes to say that I hate this whole depression thing because today I don't feel so depressed. I think I might be either manic depressive or bipolar. Can someone out there diagnose me please? Because I don't have insurance and I can't afford a doctor. I currently am waiting on my doctor friend to ask his doctor friend to write me a prescription for my antidepressants because I can't afford to go into see anyone. So we had a texting consultation the other day, where I told him what I was taking and how much and since he doesn't have his "state pad" yet, he's going to talk to a friend to see if he will write the scrip for me. How awesome are my friends? And how shady to I feel right now?! I don't even know if I should be talking about it on the web. Is this against the blogging rules? To share this? Am I allowed.

Hold on for a half hour please...
Okay so it was a little longer then that...but you couldn't tell could you?

So what I want to know is there a list of blogging "rules" out there? I'm wondering because I have been spreading out and finding new blogs and reading here and there, and a lot of places and a lot of comments that I see say "you shouldn't do this on your blog" and "you should do that on your blog" and "your grammar is terrible!" So I really do want to know is there a rule book for blogging? And if so I need to see it. I know that one rule that everyone talks about is putting too much information about yourself out there. I used to have a blog on MSN spaces, and I used to write about any and everything, and I think only friends read it, I did meet some other bloggers and got to know them and love them. I found out through my uncle that my aunt was reading it and didn't like that I talked about my self too much. She also didn't like that I wrote a blog about a then campaigning Obama and how he raised 8 mil in a week or something to that effect. In my defense, I am dirt poor and I was amazed that he could do that, and why couldn't he do something like that then put it to good use. Anyway, my uncle berated me and said "IT COSTS A LOT OF MONEY TO RUN A CAMPAIGN." Completely missing the point of my blog, because well he didn't read it. Anyway so I got off of MSN because I didn't want to hear it. So I put my blog here on blogger, and had no followers till I told my friend that I was blogging here now instead. She likes keeping up with me and well I'm not the best emailer but I will write a blog about it. But I also found out that another friend from college would read my blog, to check up on me as well. I had no idea! I thought it was interesting though. But then I guess that's what I do on a lot of blogs, I lurk. I don't tend to comment as much because most of the time blogs just make me go "huh. that's nice" and that's it, and really do you need to have me say that? So anyway I started reading other blogs, and got suggested other blogs by my friends and then I started on twitter for some reason. I think because I was bored one day. And then a new world of blogs opened up...I'm really glad I found them. I signed up on Blogher a little while ago but I never keep up with it, and I don't really understand it. I've also signed up on Mommyroo which I saw on twitter has been getting some angry comments from people because they "stealing" posts or something. I have learned that there is a lot A LOT of drama out there. And when I read all this drama I'm really glad I don't have drama on my blog or in my life. I like reading about drama I don't like drama in my real life. I tend to try and squash it quick.
I found out that my sister was reading this blog, well from my mom, and that she stopped reading it because I bet I hurt her feelings because I was blogging a lot when I was taking care of her kids and about how I didn't like it. And I feel bad for that. And I know that this isn't a "private journal" but I would like to say that if a person does have a blog the reader has to keep in mind that this is just a stream of consciousness writing and I say things to get them out of my brain and keep me from having an ulcer. I will complain about things on here, I will talk about my family. I won't talk about sex because well I just don't do that...No wait...I do have sex, I just won't talk about it. I don't like hear about other's sex lives so I won't do it, just like in my daily life...I don't like Public Displays of Affection, so I won't do it either. I HATE SEEING PEOPLE MAKE OUT!!! Therefore, I will not make out in public. Hell I don't even hold hands. Mainly because my hands sweat profusely, and because well it just feels weird. (This whole subject is a blog on its own)
I have told my other sister about this blog and I don't know if she's still reading it, but I told her because I wrote about her son, and figured she'd like to read it. The comment I got from MOM not my sister was "Oh I talked to your sister and she says she's reading your blog." "Oh yeah what did she say" "It's you know, Randa stuff, and I said ohhh Randa stuff." Like I'm crazy or something. What is that supposed to mean anyway? Mom is the one saying I should be a writer, why not be a writer on a blog that no one reads??  I have however, tried not to put my family members names on here, so I hope that appeases people. And my friends, well most of them except Leslie, because she blogs on here sometimes too. She's the funny one. I'm the depressed one.
I don't even know where to put my blog, how do you categorize a blog about nothing? I know that there are mommy blogs, and give away blogs, and "hater" blogs, and "FAIL" blogs, but what about this?
There have only been a few blogs that I have found that actually have really good discussions in their comment sections. Most other blogs just have comments to puff the writer up, and make them feel good. (like mine) I have started liking those blogs that make me want to comment more then the ones that I just read and go, "well alright see ya later."
Well with that I'm off, maybe to get a piece of cheese cake, and most likely to go read my twitter...and check on some blogs.
Oh and forgive my spelling errors...I switched to the new "editor" and they took away and or hid the spell check button.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Update...trying TRYING to see the postives

So our LOVELY rental agent lied to us. She said it was a three+ bedroom house, meaning three bedrooms in the house with an additional "room" off the back of the attached garaged. No, she lied. Its two bedrooms, with an additional room off the back of the garage. So I have lost my office space. We went over and painted yesterday. We thought that there would be power to the place since they have to clean it and all still. No no power. So no entertaining Oscar while we worked. I heard a lot of "I wanna go home!" I don't want to hear anymore of it. So Jesse went today to finish up since, and I quote "You did such a good job yesterday." Does that sound like he's patronizing me? Because I feel patronized...I'm just not sure. Apparently I have fooled him into believing I can't do anything until yesterday when I painted both bedrooms, hallway, and living room, plus all the baseboards in the house. What did he do? He put protective plastic down on the floor...apparently that is a very hard job. (insert sarcastic emoticon here) So. It's a much smaller house, but the kitchen is bigger then this one here. There's a WORKING fireplace, just in case we don't want to pay for gas heat this winter, which I am all for. (insert shaking fist at Avista Utilities here) Uhm what else. OH! There's a really nice park just down the block, with a skate park, so I can practice my moooves on my long board. HA HAHA HAHAHA. Oscar really liked it though. There's a school on the other end of the park so if IF we are still in the neighborhood when Oscar goes to school its right there for him. The thing is...there's a school here in this neighborhood the same distance away...whatever. I'm nitpicking now. Uhm Oh it will only take Barb 3 minutes to get to work, which is nice, and probably only a half a gallon of gas instead of a quarter of a tank. So until she gets her car up here, which might someday happen, she can take it easy on our gas gage.
I'm not feeling any better about the move. I'm just getting better at pushing the emotions aside to get shit done. I could still burst into tears at any moment. This is what I don't like about me and depression. I'll back track a bit. When I was going to counseling, at first, I cried every session. After about a month or so I had a handle on things and wasn't breaking down at every second, thanks in large part to my prescription, and a small part on my counselor telling me not to take everything to heart and showing me coping skills. Anyway so I had to at one time see another counselor who told me "you're very happy for being depressed." Which makes me wonder what people think about depression. I mean if a "professional" thinks that just because I'm not bawling hysterically I'm not depressed what do normal people thing. Just because I can cope and push aside certain things one day doesn't mean that I'm not depressed. My valleys are really low when I get in them and they take me a bit to get out of them, a lot of self talk and a lot of thinking, but I can get out of them. It does take help from meds most of the time. And then when I get out of them I stay out for a while, until like recently, stressful situations hit me and hit hard. I just wish people wouldn't think that just because one day I paint a house with no problem or I'm smiling doesn't mean that I'm not feeling like shit on the inside. I'm pretty damn good at masking my feelings, I've done it my whole life. Because if I'm honest with myself, I've been depressed since high school. I just never let people know. And it wasn't difficult for me to hide it until I couldn't control it due to certain circumstances. Anyway I have learned that depression is tricky, and you don't get "over it" really ever. It's something that I have to cope with and control probably my whole life. And hopefully like the last time I was on the medicine I can wean myself off of them again.
Thanks for the helpful comments. I do appreciate them. And yes I have read "Eat, Pray, Love" and I enjoyed it.
And now I'm going to go and find some tea, because I somehow got a cold from somewhere, even though I haven't left my house in a week or so. (well before yesterday)
OH! Crap, no I have to tell you. PEOPLE ARE DISGUSTING!!!!!!!
So painting...they haven't gotten in to clean the house yet, and they're doing that after we paint, but HOLY CRAP. Is it just me or does no one else clean up rentals before they leave them. EVERY place we've ever rented has been trashed before we get in, and they have to spend like a week cleaning it. These people didn't EVER clean. When I see dirt on doors in my house, visible dirt, I clean it off. When there is VISIBLE dirt and food on the walls, I clean them. I'm not a psycho cleaner, I'm just not a pig. The people that lived in the house, must have NEVER EVER cleaned the whole time they were there. It was so gross, and apparently they had a cat or something because there was animal hair all along the baseboards. And I know I KNOW this is probably terrible, but I didn't clean them before I painted, I just painted them...terrible. Oh and the master bathroom's door was so gross it was yellowing. Who lives like that?!?! Oh and then I made the mistake of opening up the refrigerator. Holy crap I almost died. So freaking nasty. Ugh, I don't get it.
Okay now I'm off to herbally medicate myself.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Bitchiness Hides the Sadness

We moved to Spokane about 5 years ago. We moved from place to place every year, or every six months depending. Our first place here was in a one bedroom apartment across the street from the biggest hospital in the area. It was a quaint little apartment and I liked it well enough. I didn't like that my car was broken into every other week. After I think a year of living there, or maybe less I don't remember we decided to save on rent and move in with some "friends." Well they were co-workers really. This lasted a year. In that time I got pregnant and we realized that we could not live with these people. We also lived in a neighborhood called "felony flats" and decided that we didn't like that very much anymore. Plus we were a little scared for our safety considering that two houses next to ours had recently burned down. I always though ours would be next. So after a short stay with my aunt and uncle that proved to be very enlightening, but helpful after my pregnancy we found ourselves renting at a low income apartment complex. It was nice enough, the neighbors didn't bug us, it was do-able. Okay it was small...two bedrooms wasn't enough space. So when the apartment next to us opened up we asked if we could just jump over to that one. So we upgraded to a three bedroom "town-house" which was all good. Rent was a little steep even for "rent controlled" complex, but again do-able. Then my sister decided to move to Spokane. And wouldn't it be great and help us all out if we all moved in together...........we didn't learn our lesson the first time. BUT! With this move we had found it. The good house, big back yard, school a block away, WONDERFUL neighbors! I am in love with this place. I don't want to ever leave it. I want to buy this house warts and all and grow old in it. After 5 long years we found a place we belong. I haven't made many new friends since college. I just don't like to. I don't make friends easily and I seem to lose contact quickly and not care much. Unless they have had a certain impact on me will I want to keep them around. I didn't really get along with our across the street neighbor until after my sister moved out. I don't know why, but that's how it went. And now we're good friends, she's good to talk to, she knows where I'm coming from with my crazy outbursts because she's a stay at home mom too. She's a little more nuts then I because she has 3 boys, not just one. But I like her, and her husband and Jesse get a long really well. Jesse doesn't have friends here, and I like that he has a buddy that he can hang out with on occasion.
Since my sister moved out we haven't been able to afford the rent. We've been drowning and slowly dying in this house and this wonderful neighborhood. Jesse's mom moved in. And although she has a job now, she and Jesse have it in their heads that "we" cannot afford the rent. And it's not in my place to say otherwise because I do not bring in any income...I figured out that we could afford 650 if Barb would pay 400, but alas, no I have been shot down. So next week we start packing again to move. I want to stamp my foot and yell and scream and cry and say "NO I WILL NOT GO!" But instead I'll cry silently, and try not to be such a huge bitch to everyone around me. I will get back on my antidepressants, with the help of a doctor friend, since I don't have my insurance anymore and I will shut up and go along with it. And even though I feel like I've been pushed aside I will just go along because that's what I do. I go along with whatever anyone else tells me to. I am not a strong proud woman. I am a coward.
I can't tell Jesse that all of a sudden I hate his mom, and that she annoys the crap out of me. I can't because I don't know if it's true of if it's my broken brain telling me I hate her. Because a month ago I was ready to keep her and get rid of Jesse and now...Now I can't stand her voice. I can't stand her chip on her shoulder about EVERYTHING. I can't stand that I feel like she's taking my place and the only thing that I have left to do here is have sex with Jesse and take care of Oscar just a little while during the day. I can't tell him that I want to leave. I want to go away and not come back and if he would say to me "well you can't take Oscar" I would say "I don't care." How terrible and sick is my brain to not care?! I just want to be by myself.
In the 6 years that we've been together we have lived on our own for only 2. And in those four years all I ever heard was "I can't wait to be on our own." And now?! He has yet to say those words. No...with his mom its "You can stay as long as you want." And now it's me that is saying "why can't we be on our own?!" "Why can't it just be us?" Are we that bad off that we can't be around each other anymore? On our own?
I don't even know where to start, so don't tell me that I need to talk to him. I've heard it. I know it. I just don't know where to start and I don't know how to approach him with out being a total and complete bitch to him. That's what I really want to do, I want to make him hate me. I don't think I'm meant to be around people for extended periods of time. Which really REALLY worries me once we move into the new place. Its smaller. And Jesse's mom is going to have a new shift at work that enables her to be home ALL DAY LONG. I LOVE my days with just me and Oscar. It messes with me every time Jesse has a day off.
So today when we found out that we could move into the new house, which will lower the rent $200 for us, I was not excited. I was not happy. And when Jesse's mom said to me "Isn't it great that we get to go see it! Isn't it exciting." All I could do was grit my teeth and say "yeah great!" Its not great. I'm not excited. I'm pissed. And I'm going to be pissed for a while.
So there.