If I won the Lottery...

First off I promised that once I got paid I would start playing the lottery...I did.
And this is what I would do with my winnings....
First I will be selfish, these are the selfish things I'm going to be doing:
Paying off all our debt.
Buy a house in the old neighborhood and remodel it to what I want it to be and decorate it sensibly. Not lavishly. I will not pack my house with shit just because I have money.
I will however have a gigantic garage.
Hybrid Tahoe
Nissan Skyline
Chevy Camaro
A big ass RV
Then while the house is being remodeled we would take a vacation and see all of my friends. ALL of them.

Second I would give my family the following:
Pay off all of their debts.
Buy Barb a house and a car of her choice.
When I say debt I say house payments too.
And if they don't have a house I will buy one, and pay their taxes.
(listen don't talk to me about "taxes" and all, I know the stipulations this will get worked out seriously if I did)
Okay back to it.
I would also buy them transportation of their choice, and pay their bills for at least 5 years.
I would also fund any kind of random "biz" they got into...okay that is a lie.

For my mom and dad...
I would pay off everything. Absolutely everything. I would buy my dad an old corvette that he's been wanting and fund the whole thing to re-build it. I would give my parents anything they wanted. I would basically set up an account and just pay all of their bills all the time. Just so they would not have to worry about anything anymore. Oh and I would let my mom shop OFF the sales racks. So she wouldn't have to wait for that shirt she loved to go down to $15 from $45.

When it comes to my friends this is what I would do. Since most of my friends went to college, and grad school and med school and law school. I would pay off ALL of their student loans. And then I would pay for all of them to gather at least once a year somewhere for a yearly reunion. And pay for everything.
They would get anything they wanted. I would also pay their bills for them for at least a couple years if they needed me to.
Leslie and I have a special arrangement since we've talked about this. I would buy a store for us, a yarn store/scrapbooking store. But we wouldn't sell anything, we would just have it to have all the merchandise. Well we would sell stuff if people came into the store. But we wouldn't try to sell anything. Oh and our store would be called: "Yarny-Yarny Cut-Cut" (I have copywrited that so don't try and steal it, I know you want to!) We also have an arrangement that I would buy her a house, and the taxes on it. And give her a monthly allowance. (She better do the same for me if she wins the lottery)

These are the places that I would travel to if I won the lottery:
First to NYC to visit my best friend V and just go on a crazy spending spree.
Then to Africa on a safari, even though I'm shit scared of gigantic bugs, but I want to go to the Cheetah Conserve and help out. I would also donate a ton of money to that program.
Then I want to go to Japan, because well, why not?!
After that it would be a big trip around Europe.
Okay maybe just a big trip around the world. That sounds good.
When I finally get back to the states I will travel around in my big ass RV visiting friends and going to all the famous haunted places in the US.
And all the famous Steak Houses. I am going to just watch the travel channel and go where ever it tells me to! Like all the best water parks.
Oh! I would also take my ENTIRE family and shut down Disneyland for 3 days. Then we would head to Florida and see which one is better Disneyland or Disneyworld.
And now that I have this all down and out to the world I am holding myself to it.

"Put it back in your pants!"

I have realized that this is going to be said a lot more from now on. I love my boy. But really I get tired of seeing his wiener. Penis whatever YOU call it. I call it a wiener. I think because it's fun to say. Oh and this was just said "put your butt on mom!"
I am thinking that our roles her might start getting reversed. I have gone to work the past four days and Jesse has not...This has lead me to say when I walk in the door "where's mah beer!?" ha!
Today was an actual work day, well half day, I spent the first half "training" on the computers. And then the rest of the day was learning from another associate. It was fun. And then she left me. I had to work on a  busy register by myself. I made it, but my back didn't. I am OUT OF SHAPE! My core muscles are in a bad way. I hope to one day get them into some sort of working condition but for now I'm REALLY worried about tomorrow when I have to do this for 7 hours. I don't know if I will make it. I'm honestly not trying to be a wuss or anything but listen:
I haven't worked or done ANYTHING outside my home in over 3 years. I also haven't done any sort of "stand up all day, run around" work for over 5 years. So this is a big change for me. I'm going to try and not exaggerate and I think this is why I'm not a very good blogger. Because I tend to not stretch my truth too much. It might sound like an exaggeration but when I say that my body hurts from my neck to my toe joints, I am not kidding around. I am more out of shape then any other fat person. I got sweaty from scanning and bagging items. I don't know how fast I was going compared to other beginners but I thought I was going at a decent rate. I didn't have people tapping their feet or looking at their watches in exasperation. Sooo I think my first half day at work was good. I will say that I do like being in "retail" I put that in quotes because it's not like other retail stores. I do like being around people, I have to say this, because before I've said that I don't like to work with people. But you know what I don't like?
I don't like bitches in offices. I don't like catty bored women who start shit in office settings and make a hostile work environment for others. I never EVER want to work in an office setting again. I will work the rest of my life at Wal-Mart if I have to, to avoid an office setting. Even at my last job where I really liked everyone and all the people were really cool, there was office drama. And I was even a target at one time. And I don't like that shit. I will get my Medical Transcription done, but I will not work in an office, I will work at home from the comfort of my very own office/closet and not have to deal with other people fucking with me.
I'm sorry for that angryness. I had to get it out. I'm a little mad about a situation that my sister is in. And that's all I'll say about it.
Oh you know what else makes me mad? $32.00 for 200 text messages. I went over my 400 texts last month and it added that much to my bill. Did you know that it only costs 1/20 of a cent for those texts to get sent?? And they charge $.15, well T-Mobile does, a text?! That's re-donkulous.

Oh and this is what happens when I have no idea what to write about. You should be used to it by now. And now I'm done, I'm getting off the computer and resting my shoulders and back. And possibly sqeezing my fat body into our tiny bathtub.

S-A-T-U-R-D-A-Y NIGHT!

I'm totally not good at blogging and working.
So working at WM is all good so far. I haven't learned anything pertinent beyond safety, safety, and checkers can't have scissors because they run with them and hurt people. I have also found that there will always be a separation between departments. "My department is way better then your department"
I will probably never post something earth shattering about working. Because really nothing earth shattering happens when I work. Lame.
Anyway this might be my resignation from blogging every single day. I am not good at doing things like this and working.
I will probably blog on my days off though. It looks like I might have a decently full schedule, that varies every day...which I don't like, but I will get used to.

Friday List Day!

So I had to actually go in to a real job today! My first day as a Wal-Mart employee! It was boring, I hate training, just a lot of safety stuff. We'll see, if I paid attention well enough I won't get hurt.
So I'm phoning it in by giving a list of email subjects and various one liners that Leslie and I say...

First off you can't not put something funny in a subject line here are the best from Leslie:
Next thing you know...
Bitch Bitch Bitch
Oregon Trail
Ty Cronin+pubic hair?
I hate yogurt
Juan es muy guapo
Hey, Durty
There's a rat in my butt
Spectacular hobo
Snap your bagles
Ex-boyfriends should get wiener punched
Oops I crapped my pants
Shame cave
Sorry Roger, you tiger now
Mirando Pando
Evil Shenanigans
I'm such a disappointment
Sunshine pants
Consider me Miles Davis
The music moves me, but it moves me ugly
I'm allergic to rocks hitting me in the face
BY THE WAY WHORE
Not in a totally dirty way
Sexy bike gang
MEOW
There's no time for pleasantries
Oh yeah...meow
Turkey butts will chase you while your sleeping
I'm a Nigerian Prince!

Here's a list of My subjects TO Leslie, because I'm funny too damnit!!
I'm so sneeky you can't even hear me take a shower
Stupid Llamas
Punching Weiners
Balls
Whore!
Shut it Jack! You shut your dirty manwhore mouth!

And then well the rest of them are just RE's back to her. I'm only funny when I'm drunk.



So all of these usually don't have anything to do with what is being said in the email. Which makes them all the better and more funny.

And this was what was said today while at Wal-Mart:
"I will slap a sicky!"

And this was said right after I said I'll probably have to write all this down"
"do it with the wrong hand!!"

Going to work and blogging is tough work, I now know why so many SAHM do it! haha! BURN! Kidding! Loves!
Oh and can I just say that the day that I have to go to work something huge blows up in the blogging world and I had to catch up?! Sick and wrong! I missed Twitter today. I did!

Offensive Thursdays?? Or...topics suggested by Leslie

(If your in a hurry skip down to the end for the important update)
I need something to write about on Thursdays. I got confused and almost did my "list" on the wrong day! So I figure since last Thursday I wrote about something, that might have been offensive, but then it ended up not being offensive because I was scared to put the offensive part in, I would try it again. But the stupid blogging blog has me in a choke hold. I don't know even know where I would start to be offensive. I'm just not that person. I'm also not a person that gets offended very easily. Except by big things like: bigotry and hypocrisy. Those two things really offend me.

Leslie gave me some blog ideas here they are: unicorns doing somersaults and million dollar homes not having laundry hook-ups.
Can you imagine a unicorn doing somersaults? I think that would be physically impossible but not impossible for a mythical creature such as a unicorn. But I think that the horn would get stuck in the ground and then it would do an awkward head stand. And now I'm picturing an upside down unicorn, with its big ol' butt sticking up in the air, I bet it would be pissed so its legs would be kicking all crazy like. Then I think another mythical creature would have to come to its rescue like an elf or something, but the elf would have to bring friends because just one elf could not help a unicorn in this situation.

And now a word to the rich: If you are buying a home that costs you over a million dollars maybe you should make sure that is is move in ready because really? Do you want to re-mod a house that already cost you a million dollars? If I were looking at homes, even in the 75K range, if it didn't have washer/dryer hook ups I would move on to the next. I don't even like renting houses or apartments without w/d hook ups.
I also saw one of those HGTV shows were the people were moving into a 600K house that didn't have updated appliances. I'm not talking about last years models I'm talking 80s models. I would move on, because really you're spending THAT much do you want to put even more into the damn thing?! My million dollar home would be move-in-ready, and if not I wouldn't buy it. I think though if I had a million dollars to spend on a house I would build from scratch and it would end up not costing me that much and it would have it's own energy source. Also I have beef with those 600K people because they won the lottery and then they remodled the house that they were in and then they moved out, to a house that cost over what they made in the lotto. Is that smart? In my opinion I don't think so.
Also a word to HGTV shows that are about selling houses. Okay a word to the people going into buy the houses: "THE CURTAINS DO NOT COME WITH THE HOUSE!" Neither does the furniture! I understand if a house is too cluttered, that I get. But really? Why comment on the pictures on the wall and the couches when clearly you are not getting those with the house.

So! I waited this long to get to the good part! I finally got a call from Wal-Mart and lo and behold! I am not a terrorist, and I am now going to be an employee! Which means money! Yay! For at least 120 days, that's my "contract" ha! Unless they want me longer. But now that gives me 120 days to get done with my class and get hired for a good job. So time to get to work! I start with my training tomorrow and then on Saturday, then who knows what I'll be working. I'm a little anxious and excited at the same time.
I haven't heard the whole story yet about my dad but last time I talked to mom she said dad told my aunt that he would only have to pay a $50 deductible. But mom didn't know for sure. So I probably shouldn't say anything just yet till we know for sure. But as of now, it sounds like it won't be costing as much for his meds, which is a good thing.