Thursday, February 26, 2009

Word to your Mother

I have Ice Ice Baby stuck in my head all of a sudden. I had to switch titles. My title was boring me. Not of this post but as you can see of the whole thing. No more talk of depression. That's depressing. I'm on to being weird and obnoxious. Yay! I went to a scrapbooking store today and spent way too much money. Its like a candy store but for ladies in dog/horse sweaters. That's what I think anyway. I have yet to get my dog/horse sweater, I'm waiting for my friend to knit me one. She's also knitting me a bikini, yeah because they have patterns for bikinis...they do!! I bought a whole crap load of scrapbooking shit and I got to work tonight making some more pages. I'm awesome.

We had our very last b-ball game tonight and the girls surprised me with a card and a gift certificate to get my nails done! YAY! I teared up a little bit. I did, you know I did. And Emily said "YOU BETTER USE IT!" and I said "Oh I will, check out these terrible nails, you know I will!" and her mom laughed for me. Seriously this was the best thing ever for me. I am so happy that I did it, my mental state is worlds better then it was three months ago, I'm losing weight! I went from 242 to 225 since November! That's almost 20lbs people!! And I want to keep going, I wish I had more basketball to play. I wish I could just keep going back to the school. We're having a pizza party next week though so I will get to see all the girlies again. We had a good season, we didn't win a damn game but we learned a whole bunch. So now I get to get my nails done and possibly my eye brows! Which have never been done before.

I've been in good moods a lot lately, and I've been remembering to tell my brain to quit it when it starts thinking crazy thoughts. I'm getting excited for Melly to move on and get out truely on her own. I am praying that she makes it and that her kids make it. And that she doesn't kill them or they kill her.

Jesse has yet to work...three weeks now! And no unemployment! Uhm why am I in a good mood?? I have no idea. The unemployment office made a mistake and they have to take 3 weeks at least to fix it, the good thinkg is that he will get all the back pay from the weeks that he called in and didn't get a check, we just don't know when that will be. In the mean time our tax returns are holding us a thread. I keep looking at our dwindling supply and wonder "why did I pay off the couch so soon??" But its okay, things will work out, I have my positive thinking cap on and I will continue to do so, almost annoyingly. I'm almost ready to by a lotto ticket, we have to be one of those stories "they only had $10 left in their bank account, they found $5 and decided to make a bet..." And then we will have millions of dollars and live happily ever after! I do have to say that if we ever did win the lottery people would be hard pressed to try and find us...we'd be traveling...a lot. I think we would be nomads for a while, just so we could see everything we've always wanted to see, and spend time with people we can't spend time with now. And my friends would be well cared for, that's for sure.

Enough dreaming, I have to shower and go to bed. This cold is going to kill me. I will though, if its still around on Monday, call the doctor, I like to wait till its good and serious before bugging the professionals.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Jesus is a hobo living in my basement

So I still hate my computer. While waiting for Amazon to complete my order I wrote a blog on paper. I don't know if I'll type it out though, I'm too tired of it already. Its too contrite. That's right I used that word. What? I feel like I need to change my title again because I rarely discuss being depressed, even though I feel I am depressed daily. Shhh, don't tell anyone but I haven't taken my meds in ohh about a week now. No idea why, I just haven't. I have a terrible cold. I got it from my son...because he shares drinks with me and coughs on me all night. Oh and I had to stay up with him three nights in a row, yeah that was fun. We ended up taking him to see the doctor after he had a low grade fever for 4 days or so, and I thought "its just a cold, they're going to tell me," "your crazy, there's nothing wrong with him, that cough? oh that's nothing" But the Dr looked in his ears and said "Oh! that one looks wrong!" "wait, wrong? Like how?" "well there seems to be a blister on his ear drum" "AWESOME!" How the hell do they see that crap with that thing?! I want one of those things, I would be looking in his ears all day long! So my wonderful little boy can't just get a simple ear infection he has to get something that sounds horrendous like a blister on your eardrum. Did he complain about this? No he didn't. Jesse and I were amazed that there was anything wrong with his ears. He's never NEVER had an ear infection in his two year life span. I'm very proud of that by the way...and now he blew it. Jerk had to go and do this to me. He's like his mom, when he does it he does it good. So he got an ear infection that turned into a cold therefore giving me a cold and me giving Jesse a cold. But Jesse has an immune system like no other and it will only affect him for a day or so. Me on the other hand...well I have not had sinus pain like this in my life time. I hurt. My face hurts like someone pounded me in the face with a hammer. And my nose is raw from all the tissue and I don't care what they say no amount of aloe in a tissue helps when your blowing it all freaking day (that's what she said).

It seems to me that blogs start out as one thing and then morph into another completely different animal as you go. As your life changes to does the glob, which makes sense. I think I started my blog, not to keep family updated, but to journal all my little things in life, because I got tired of writing them down on paper. I like journaling, as boring as it is because I like to look back on myself and see how I've changed and I guess to see if I have changed at all. In some ways I had this delusion that people would read my blogs and love them and be engrossed by my monotony, and then I would get paid by sponsors to sit and home and blog about nothing. No one wants to read my day to day unless it involves some sort of drama, my life contains no "real" drama. I have no life threatening illness that I have conquered to learn from or to teach people from. I have no drama with my man or my family to discuss. I could start a convoluted debate about the current economic crisis but it would be words stolen from Bill Maher. I don't keep up with politics, I don't watch college sports, I don't watch any sports for that matter. I can recite most of every Spongebob episode that comes on. I looked back on my high school through college journal to see the differences in my life, and I must say that it is pretty different. The biggest thing I see is the fact that in high school and college I never EVER said anything about having a family. I never once said I wanted to get married or have kids, or even have a long standing boyfriend for that matter. And here I a committed relationship of almost 6 years. I went from one night stands to a 6 year relationship? What the hell is the matter with me? What's up with love and why does it do this to people?

After Thursday I will have nothing to do...My girls' last game is Thursday and I hope that they have fun. My first time coaching was very enlightening, I think I learned a lot about myself and I learned that this is what I want to do with my life. So I'm going for it. I'm going to go back to school for reals this time and get a degree in teaching and get a masters so I can coach basketball and become a PE teacher. I think for some reason this sounds right to me. And even after watching Bill Maher's Religulous I still feel like there is a benevolent god up there somewhere (not in outer space) pushing me in this direction. I hope that Jesse gets his job with the government, in the long run it will be the best for us, but I am going to apply for school for the fall and hope that I can get at least one semester done while he's away. Or before he goes away, which ever comes first.

Holy crap this is the most random post ever! No wonder I'm not on anyone's list!! Ha! This is what happens when your head is full of snot. You start blogging about even more nonsense.

Oh! On the "no drama" homefont, my sister has decided that she can no longer afford to live here, so she's moving out. Yeah, in a couple weeks for that matter. Yeah she can't afford the 525 a month that we pay in rent, because she likes to spend all her money on clothes for her kids, who never grow out of their clothes that they already have...She also says she can't afford the Avista bill which is only at the most going to be a little over 100, which yes might sound terrible but if the woman would just control her money just a little more she would be alright. Jesse hasn't worked in 2 weeks and we're still okay...Thanks in large part to our tax returns but still. I don't understand it really anyway, our lease isn't up till june and you know they would make us pay at least an extra months rent, so why not just stay here till June?! Its just three months away! She can't afford it for three more months! Plus she doesn't like how we want respect from her children and she doesn't feel like this is her home for some reason even though all of the shit up stairs is hers. Everything is hers. All the shit in the kitchen living room and outside. Hers. So yeah, I refuse to move. I do not want to move right now and then maybe in 9 months have to move again if and when jesse gets this job. So we're looking for roomates. I'm meeting with some girls tomorrow to show them the basement and see if they like it. That means I have to get up and clean tomorrow. Yuck. But I hope they work out because I don't really like hunting for people and the only other responses we've gotten are from people with kids, and if that happens then we have to share the upstairs bathroom with them because it has a tub. So the only moving I'll be doing, is well, none! Because Jesse will do all the moving. Oh yeah and since we paid off the couch, we're doing it again, and finally, FINALLY!! I will get a new bed and bed frame, you know in my life I have only had one bed with a frame...yeah! Most of the time they're either on the floor or on bricks. I'm already feeling grown up. And since Mel provided the table and chairs we went and found a very nice table and chair set too! All in all I am very excited about this. We might fall flat on our faces but then again, we might not! But WHO CARES I'LL HAVE A KING SIZED BED!! A bed that actually fits two large Americans!! Plus I'll be away completely from Mel's snarky little children! She's moving to the Valley. Oh that's another thing that was bothering me. When I first told Mel that I wanted to go month to month here after our lease was up so we wouldn't have to potentially move twice in one year for the fourth year in a row...She didn't like the idea of staying here into next school year because she would have to take the kids out of school...BUT! NOW...She's taking the kids out of school. Yeah. ugh. My sister bugs me.
I need to get going. I have to shower again, to try and loosen up some sinus pressure. I'm hoping I'll be able to sleep. I've only been like this since Friday I think, I'm giving it till this Friday then I'll go bug my dr. My lovely all knowing sister wanted me to go in today. "for what? so they tell me I have a cold and then I get to go home?" That's what she did today, because her kid had a temp of 99...took him and her daughter and her in to the dr...what did they tell them? "you have a cold, go home" HA! See, she bugs me.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Throwing my computer at the wall

I would throw it out the window but it wouldn't fit, and it wouldn't do any good because I'm in the basement. Stupid computer. I want to shift all the money that I have allocated to get a new one. Oh that sounded so financial! We're getting our tax money but its all going to lame stuff like paying off bills. yeah LAME! Oh except the little bit that is going to replacing my glasses that I've had for 5 years...yeah...Listen to what Jesse said on the glasses subject "Can't you just get new lenses and have them just fix your frames?" I almost punched him in the weiner. Sometimes he seriously pisses me off, especially when he says shit like that. Considering that my eye sight hasn't changed in the past five years so why would I need new LENSES?! The frame is the thing that is falling apart!! I fell on my face on concrete a few years back and broke them so bad that I had to find a new screw to use to put them back together, they're practically held together with duct tape and this ass hole has the nerve to say "get them fixeD?!?!?!" Fuck off!! I wanted to get Lasik but damn that is expensive. I had no idea. I wanted to go to Positive Changes Hypnosis and get help for my weight and my nail bitting and all my other bad habbits but that's 2 grand as well, so all I want. ALL I WANT is contacts, and new frames, I'll even go with the crappy freebees from insurance as long as I can get contacts. He's such a shitball. So yeah I'm a little angry, I don't know if you can is translate?

I'm on my period.

I've been fighting the urge to just lay down and cry today. No real reason other then the smashing headache because I was stupid and drank coffee... Oh and my son driving me insain and my aunt cancelling plans AGAIN to take him over night. This time I didn't get excited about it I was only looking halfway forward to sleeping in. Can I say that I should have been one of those "childless by choice" people? I'm way too into sleeping to be a mom. And who'd thunk it I want more! I seriously think there's something wrong with me. So what did I do at the end of the day? I downloaded a large amount of inspirational songs. Songs that would uplift me. I also have some stuff from Joyce Meyer to listen to that helps. I'm so agitated that my sleeping aid isn't helping at all.

There is one good thing to report. I am now 227lbs. Well I was yesterday, who knows what it is might be even more. I've had some candy today. And alot of mashed potatoes for dinner. Ugh this music is no match for my crappy mood. I hope it goes away over night or something. I can't even stand myself.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

"Why do we lose by 30 all the time?!"

So my b-ball girls broke me down today. I blame my fragile state on PMS...its due anyday now. The girls had a terrible game today, they didn't listen at all to me, they didn't play like they usually do and they only scored 5 points...and yes the other team had 35. But in our defense this other team was I think probably a team of cyborgs or something. And one girl seriously was almost as big as me. (5'9", 230) okay so she wasn't 230 but I swear to god she was like 5'9"! And they were throwing screens like offensive linemen! And! Their COACH!! She just sat there on the bench and didn't say a thing the whole time!! I am up and running the whole game trying to get my puppies to jump through hoops and here she is just sitting and her fifth graders were running plays that I didn't learn till Jr. High!! It was crap. And my sweet girls cried, and made me cry. So Friday if they show up for practice will be a heart to heart and sit down and talk about do they actually want to win games or just have fun and they need to figure it out because if they just want to have fun and don't really care about winning we can continue on but if they want to have fun AND win, well there are going to be some changes, we only have two games left of the season, I want to break the 10 point mark by the end of it. I have fought my deamons though all evening telling myself that I am a good coach and I am worthy of coaching. Its hard my brain just wants to shut down and all I think about is how all the parents must be hating me. I even said to the girls "Good lord your parents are going to fire me!" I get so worried about how they feel about me coaching and I know I did them a good thing by even doing it because no one else wanted to but I still feel like I'm letting everyone down.

Deep breath...moving on

My friend asked me why I haven't blogged in a while, not that she doesn't talk to me every single day she just likes to read my words apparently. Because I'm a wizard but with words not magic. I haven't blogged because my computer blows. And my sister won't let me use her hoyty toyty computer because she thinks I'll break it. I did talk her into unlocking it for me tomorrow because I have to get a background investigation thingy done for Jesse. No Dam Job for Jesse, but he did get into the second round of hiring for Customs and Border Patrol! Yay! And yes I'm doing all the work because well if Jesse was left to it they wouldn't be able to read anything it would take him 4 months to type everything. But the background thing is KILLING ME!! They need to know way too much information. And Jesse doesn't have the cleanest record in the world oh and we're shut ins so he doesn't hang out with people...just me. And of course they're not going to believe me when I tell them that he would be a kick ass border guard. I just hope his little misshaps will not exclude him. It will be wonderful if he gets this job. And we might get to move across state, because I don't want to live up north of here. THERE'S NOTHING!! But if we move west that means I have to get a job because there is no way we're living over there on one income. EXPENSIVE!

I haven't been scrapbooking lately because I've been blocked. I've run out of idea's and I need new ones. I have no idea what happend to my gigantic box full of scrapbooking magazines. I think Jesse threw them out. He would.

So I am now addicted to playing PS3 Live...its like the Sims and chat rooms mixed together. You can make your own person and I'm a very tall slender beautiful woman who talks shit to everyone. ha! But the other day I got accused of being a guy...and I almost had to fight a guy. If you can fight in cyber space. I think that would be fun. If the avatars could actually throw down. They have a little place were you can play pool and bowling and I like to do that more then anything. I like the pool...I'm getting pretty good at it. I tell people that I'm 900lbs and confined to my bed, and sometimes they believe me. Or I've told people that I'm 95 years old and somehow figuring out this "contraption." I can't do this when Jesse is gone though because Oscar gets into everything when I'm trying to mess around. Ohh the life of a 2 year old. He's the reason for my being. hah! But playing this game has made me realize that I have the mentality of a 19 year old boy. I have two new friends who are boys from supposivly B.C. but one professed his love for me that's how cool I am. They're 19...yeah...AWESOME!

Alright its late I'm tired...

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Scrapbooking MANIAC!

Here are the latest scrapbooking pages. Awesomeness has ensued!
Here are three pictures of Oscar in the bathtub. I love bathtime pictures

These are some black and whites from when he was little.

I was trying out some frames, I found little pictures to use them with.
I'm not sure about the color combos.

And here's just one picture of my monkey butt.

The President Writes with the Wrong Hand!

I haven't been sleeping so well lately. I've been taking sleeping pills and yet I'm still waking up. Last night I did not take a pill because I wanted to stay up a little later then 9pm, so I was up all night listening to noises and my ipod. My ipod gave out on me around 4:30 and then I was stuck with the noises. I've been hearing footsteps in my bedroom...yeah that's right, I'm still being stalked by a ghost or something. You know how footsteps on carpet sounds, that soft padding sound? That's what I hear all the time...
Maybe I should back up...Three nights ago I went to the movies with my aunt and uncle. We had a great time, we went and saw The Curious Tale of Benjamin Button, it was a great movie, and yes I cried. Not as bad as I thought I would but yet there were tears. So I get home and everything's okay until about 11 when I start bawling uncontrollably. No reason, no thoughts just crying. Crying so hard that I started retching, and dry heaving. It was terrible. I cried like that for an hour and a half, trying to get myself to calm down and not freak my boyfriend out too much, then I started hearing the noises...first there were scratches and sniffing going on in the wall, and then the footsteps. The footsteps didn't start until after Jesse came to bed and was sound asleep, so I had to frantically wake him up. "was that it?" "no, shut up!" "was that it" "oh for god sakes now they're not doing it, go back to sleep" It started all over again. So I was up all night over that. Now I'm paranoid. I'm losing my mind.

Jesse got an email about that job, he was not qualified, apparently there was a clause on the application that said that you had to have a security background, but it was invisible to me. So I replied to the rejection email. Basically telling them that they are missing out on one of the best security personnel ever. I was a little upset. Mostly for the fact that I spent a lot of my time filling that out then printing out all their b.s. and no where on the application did it say that he needed a background in security...if it had, I wouldn't have filled it out. Why say "everyone can apply" when that's not really the case.

Someday soon I am going to record a phone conversation between my friend and I and write it out. I told her yesterday that we sould have a blog of our phone conversations because they consist of very odd things. Oh sure there are times when we don't say anything at all but then there are other days when she calls and says "I was watching tv and I noticed that President Obama writes with the wrong hand...JUST LIKE YOU!!!" Or our talks about the FBI listening in on our conversations because we've intentionally said "terrorist" over 20 times. Her husband is in agreement that we are nuts and that other people would find our conversations humorous. No one truely understands us though, well as far as we know. Maybe if we put it out there, someone would get us.

I did a couple more pages of a scrap book, my only problem is now, where to put them. I have big 12x12 pages but no albium (intentionally spelled wrong) to put them in. I was thinking of hanging them up in my room but I need something like a clothes line to do it. I have noticed in comparision to other scrap booking stuff, that I am a minimalist when it comes to scrap booking, I like my pages not so layered as others.

The boy child decided not to take a nap today, and I am not so happy about that, because when he naps, I nap. That's right, I nap! I don't do what other mom's do and get shit done while he's sleeping, no I sleep right along with him. I'm TIRED! GIVE ME A BREAK! This is what happens when you don't sleep at night you have to get it when you can, and when he doesn't nap I don't nap and we're both bitches because of it. So I messed around on the computer for most of the day and he watched movies. Oh I got a lot of new music that's what I've been doing. I need to have CDs in my car because I don't have a fancy ipod hook up for my car, and I hate the music stations here.

I've been a bad girl and not been able to pay my capital one bill, and they're calling me everyday. I know it's them, I'm just not answering because I don't want to hear it from them. I know I haven't paid, I'm only a week late for crying out loud. But I don't have the money and if I tell them that they won't believe me so I just go on ignoring their phone calls. They'll get paid off when I get my taxes back and then I won't have to hear from them ever again. So there! They won't leave a message though, and I know its just some guy or gal in India making the call and they can never pronounce my name and that makes me even more irritated. So that's it I just keep hitting ignore, they even called today, on a Sunday for crying out loud!! I should store the number in my phone and block it or something. I know I'm a terrible person for not paying my bills on time. This is what happens in a one income home when that one income gets laid off and screwed out of unemployment by his employers. You kinda have to pick and choose what gets paid and really its the big three, home, car, and food. Sorry Capital One.