Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Spiritual Death in the Family

My family is very solid in our Catholic base. My mom made sure of it. We didn't get a choice on whether we could go to church or not. We went every Sunday, we went to CCD, (I still don't know really want it stands for), we went to potlucks and Mardi Gras every year. My mom, sister, and I got to go to Denver my 8th grade year and see the Pope. It was the single most moving experience of my life. To be surrounded by 100s of thousands of people and to see the most influential Catholic in the world was pretty amazing. And when our little group started chanting "John Paul 2 we love you." and he said "John Paul 2 loves you" was pretty much it for me. I think it went down hill from there though. Where do you go in a religion after you've been talked to by the leader?! After losing two of the best priests in the biz at our church and going through having a string of terrible ones, I kinda lost my love of the catholic church. It really came to a halt when they started handing out fliers of places we "should" boycott because they gave money to Planned Parenthood. I didn't like that because well P.P. was the only place I could get my birth control at the time, because I was broke and didn't have insurance. So I told my mom I was boycotting the boycott. I thought it was ridiculous. She told me something very interesting and my grandpa told me the same thing. "You don't have to believe EVERYTHING the church tells you."
For my entire life I have believed that Mormons had to be some sort of cult. My mom is friends with Mormon families in our town (its hard not to) but she's never liked the religion, she's a person that can separate the person from the belief, and most of the time I can too. My mom's main point is the fact that the Mormon religion isn't based on Christ, and she really can't understand that, she doesn't like that they live by a book not written "by the hand of god." So when Mormons would come to the door she would politely tell them to talk to "Sister So-and-So, she will tell you that I am very cemented in my Catholic faith" She's even invited Mormons in and shown them all that's wrong with their "religion", she's also done this with Jehovah Witness. Its pretty impressive actually. I myself never understood them, Mormons, they have too many secrets for me. Its probably the reason why I could never be in a sorority, too much secret stuff going on. I need to know EXACTLY what I'm getting into. And when you ask them questions they don't answer them. They just want you to go to meetings and I'm not for that. Tell me what its all about NOW.
My nephew has been "dating" this girl from his school now for three years or more, and she's nice and my sister adores her. But her family is very devout Mormon, and now unbeknown to my sister, my nephew has converted to Mormonism. I had no idea. My sister had no idea he was even thinking about it. One day he comes home and says "I'm getting baptized tomorrow." I have to side bar here....
Getting baptized to me is completely different then any other religion. Other religions baptize you into their church. Catholics baptize you to cleanse you from original sin, when your a baby, so you don't have to worry about it. The only reason they baptize adults is because they haven't been cleansed yet...
So she was pretty much hit with this pretty suddenly. I didn't find out till I called home after seeing weird status updates from my sister and my nephew. I talked to my brother and I said "what the heck?! What's going on?!" and he said "Well I got home at 11 last night and everyone was still up, and they were acting like someone died, and I asked, and they said 'Nephew, has converted to Mormonism.'"
What I don't like is that the girl's family who has a pretty close relationship with nephew didn't mention anything to HIS MOTHER...they did this all in secret, I'm thinking so that she wouldn't be able to convince him otherwise. So my sister and my mom went to his baptism, and sister asked my mom "should I take my camera? I don't know how to take this" and mom answered "No, he's already been baptized, you don't need anymore pictures." I love my mom.
So in response to this all I have taken to studying a couple books on Mormonism. And I have found some interesting things. Sure they have good family values, BUT, they can't voice their own opinions if they differ from the church. Sure they can "think" them, but they can't voice them. They have to believe EVERYTHING the church tells them...If their church told them to boycott P.P. they would have to. If I don't tithe at my church I can still do things for my church, Mormons can't.
But I feel as though there has been a spiritual death in our family, its not like Nephew was a church regular, but still. I wish that the Catholic church would fight hard to keep their flock as much as the Mormons do. I just feel weird about the whole thing. They get you to believe that their way is the ONLY way, and then if you disagree, well you don't get to go to heaven. But it's their "version" of heaven that has me all confused. Depending on how you look at it you can kinda think that the Mormon religion is almost like a Pyramid Scheme. You have to achieve different things during your life and if you complete all the challenges then in heaven you become a god! A GOD! And you have to populate your heaven with all the people in your religion, and people that they think should repent after they die like Hitler. Yes they baptized Hitler after he'd been dead for a while, just incase he wanted to convert to Mormonism after he died. Oh and so he could spend eternity with his mistress. their okay with people having mistresses?
I guess I've become Agnostic. I don't go to church, I don't really get anything out of going to church. I can't stand other religions though because I just can't get into them. I suppose it was the 18 years of forced church attending that made me just really like Catholics over any other church. Plus most religions including my own believe that my child is a bastard, because Jesse and I aren't married. Oscar isn't less loved because we're not married. He's not missing out on anything because we don't share the same last name...I've tried to go to church, but more or less I just like talking to God on my own. I don't like people asking me if I've accepted Jesus as my personal savior, because really, I don't know. I know that I don't really like the hypocrisy of religion and of all of the churches.
If you made it through this blog, I apologize for the poor English and if it confused you. The whole thing confuses me.
I sometimes wonder though if it hurts my mom that we don't all still go to church as regularly as she does.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Am I a pedophile?

I keep putting off my other blog idea because things keep coming to mind that are a little funnier and less uhm hard to talk about.
I have overdosed on caffeine this morning. *Note to self: Do not drink two cups of coffee when you don't consume caffeine on a regular basis* I'm all shaky and I'm watching the View.

Okay so the question: Am I a pedophile? On the View they were talking about this woman ( man who got their kids taken away from them for a month after a employee at WalMart turned them in for bath time pictures. Uhm, thank GOD I took my pictures to CostCo! I had a picture, edited and I think one that wasn't developed at CostCo last year of Oscar in the bath. But now I'm scared!! My kid refuses to wear clothes, and I have tons of pictures of him! Swinging from a tree is the most recent one. Riding on his bike with only his helmet on. Hanging out on the couch, with only band aids on his un-hurt legs. Not to mention the multiple bathtub pictures. It could be considered animal/kiddy pron because the cat is in the picture...
We've gone to FAR! Sure the guy was suspicious but really? I know that pedophiles take many shapes and sizes but to take away their kids, and to get suspended from work for it is RE-GOD-DAMNED-DICULOUS. It makes me sick. They waste all this time on a family, breaking them apart and damaging them maybe permanently for what?!
There are so many injustices in this world, but I think this might top them for me, because it hits so close to home. I'm not afraid of taking the pictures but I am editing them before I put them on my facebook page...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Changing Names

On facebook all the married people have a choice to put their maiden names on along with their married names so people who knew them "before" can find them easier. Leslie and I were discussing this and I felt left out, because I'm not married. I should be, but I don't want to, I have a blog about this some where around here, find it. Anyway so today I'm confusing the crap out of people and probably annoying some by putting my name on face book as my first name then my last name...twice. ITS HILARIOUS. But only to myself and Leslie, because we're freaking dorks.
I have a problem with the whole taking his last name when we finally do get married because I'm insanely attached to my last name. Since 6th grade I was only called by my last name so it essentially was my first name. So now that I'm 30 I've had this last name and I really REALLY like it. I don't really care for Jesse's last name, it just doesn't suit me, so I don't even think I would like to hyphenate it. Plus I don't really like when people hyphenate their last names, it just seems pretentious. Maybe not as bad as not even taking your husbands last name, but why do I have to? Do I? I mean does it really hurt me in the long run just to keep my last name? Come on how much longer would I have? Would it matter? I don't see us getting married in the next 5 years, so I'd be over 35 by then, and then how long would I last past then? Whats the point in changing it? Unless we win the lottery and can fly all, and I mean ALL of our family and friends to a huge wedding in Vegas, I don't think we'll be getting married soon. It is after all MY day right? And what I want is a big fancy to do at the Luxor hotel complete with an Egyptian themed wedding, down to the dress, which would mean I need to lose 100lbs, (I'm not even kidding). Plus I want all my friends from school to be there, and I want ALL my family to be there...which would cost everyone a pretty penny. Then there would be the honeymoon where we would go to Africa. Yes this is the dream. I can't see myself having a wedding at this point anyway. We're dirt poor, and I'm fat. I will not have my wedding pictures with me in them, looking the way I do. No offence to other women who have gotten married when they're heavy but I am not a cute fat girl. I look horrid fat. Other women look wonderful "overweight" I am not one of them. I HATE looking at pictures of me, I hate looking in the mirror, not that I liked it much before when I wasn't fat, but its worse now. Yet I have no motivation to change my appearance. Sure I put in a couple attempts here and there, but I have never made any bold moves to change my weight.
Ugh when did I de-rail??
This was supposed to be light and airy about changing my stinking screen name on facebook. And look where it went. I need to get back in to see a counselor, seriously. I'm losing it.
I watched Oprah the other day because my favorite Mariah Carey was on, and I cried, scratch that, I bawled. Yeah, and then there's this commercial for a cell phone on lately that had a little girl looking for her dog, and a college kid helps by sending the picture via phone to everyone he knows and low and behold! He finds the dog and as soon as the girl sees the dog, I swear to God I tear up instantly. Crazyness.

Okay so I said in my last post that I would blog about my nephew...and I will, I know you're waiting with bated breath...keep holding!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Oh You Thought I Forgot Didn't YOU?!

No I did not forget about my poop story. I just haven't had the time to write. And now I look at the clock and realize that I still don't have the time because I have to do the nightly ritual of cuddling with the boy child for a half hour and then putting him to bed. It starts at 8 o'clock and it is now that time. So please hold while I get my boy ready for bed. And then...the poop talk BEGINS!

You know what's not "magical" about having kids? Potty training. I HATE POTTY TRAINING! There's nothing more un-magical than cleaning poop out of underwear. And you know what's even worse? When you think someone else has cleaned up the poop only to find a pair of little boy underwear in the sink of the bathroom with a surprise inside! I hated Jesse that day. I really did. And then he did something even better to me. After AFTER I had cleaned out the turd in the underwear that I thought he did, Oscar again pooped, this time outside. Jesse saw it first and said "oohh Randa, not it!" and I said to myself, "NOT IT?! NOT IT?! I CLEANED OUT THE TURDY UNDERWEAR NOT IT! YOU F-ING PIECE OF DOG CRAP!!!" I told you my anger was really really bad last week right? That kind of thought was going through my head a lot last week. Full of hate and anger, and chose not to talk like that to him and wipe quietly all while cursing his very existence. I have also had to clean up poop streaks from my bed. Oh not just my bed but my PILLOW. Yes my child put his poopy butt on my pillow. And yet people keep asking my "are you going to have another?" NEVER!! Oh, oh and now, he's decided he's a dog which apparently entitles him to pee on the real dog's bed! I love my boy. I love my boy. I love my boy. Oh wait, I forgot one. That angry day? Well it culminated with Oscar pooping in the tub. And that time yes I did yell. I did. I was getting Oscar out of the tub because Jesse was just sitting on his ass on the couch and not doing anything and thinking..."He was sitting in poopy water, Jesse's not doing anything, I have to clean this shit up." So I yell..." WILL YOU PLEASE COME PUT THIS KID IN THE SHOWER SO I CAN CLEAN THIS FUCKING SHIT UP!?! PLEASE!" And then finally he says "Do you want me to clean it? You seem kinda pissed.." "DUDE I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU RIGHT NOW I SWEAR TO GOD." (That last one was in my head.) "NO I will get this, just get him in the shower to clean off the shit please." And did he put him in the shower and actually clean him? NO, no he didn't he got him in there and that was it, didn't spray him down, I think he just turned on the water and Oscar protested so he didn't get him in there. Awesome. I'm not the biggest germophobe in the world but I know that when your kid is swimming in shit for a minute that maybe it might be a good idea to actually clean him.

So there, not so bad was it? I have gotten over my angry I think. I'm still getting slightly annoyed by silly little things that shouldn't annoy me, but still getting better as it goes.

Next time...My Mormon nephew and how I doubt he'll make it through a mission...unless they've changed the rules to let him listen to gansta rap...or if they've converted him so well that he doesn't listen to that stuff anymore.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fighting with Hormones...

Holy monkey I was a big ball of angry the past couple of days. I hate feeling out of control angry. I was angry at people for breathing, that's how angry I was. And was it PMS? Who knows because with the IUD I might have a period to show for it but I might not. So I was angry and emotional and a wreck for two maybe three days and for what? Nothin. I talked to my mom tonight and I was telling her about flunking a quiz, an open book quiz, because I couldn't find any of the damn answers and she says "yup, that's what happens, your hormones steal your brain." I hate them. Stinking hormones.
So for my transcribing I'm not supposed to put two spaces after periods, and for the life of me I can't stop that habit. So now I'm doing it on my blog, and I keep doing two spaces then deleting. Its pretty annoying.
Can I tell you something? I HAVEN'T HAD ANY SODA SINCE THAT BLOG! Yeah, that one down there...Not since then. I'm AMAZING! And I've been drinking a crap load of water, and I hate it, because I really want something more, and I'm hungry ALL the time, but I am just drinking more water when I'm hungry so I don't eat more, which works ohhh not very well.
Ugh i had to move my computer down, so I don't have to type on that stupid keyboard. And now my neck is already hurting, one minute after I put it down lower. I have to figure something out. That's the task for tomorrow. I think I might have a plan already, I'll just have to see if it will work, for right now, I lowered my chair and I'm leaned back all gangsta like.
Ugh I just messed around on my Facebook Farm Town game for too long, now its after 11. And I'm d-e-d dead tired. I shouldn't be because I took a 3 hour nap today. We all did. Oscar, Jesse and I, crashed the f out for three hours. It was good. But now I think I'm tired and I should be tired and yet here I am still typing away not wanting to go to sleep.
Tomorrow I might have to blog about poop, and why I hate Jesse and poop.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

When passing feels like a big FAIL.

Okay so I made it through 16 years of schooling only to find out that I am a grammatical re-tard. Every, EVERY! assignment that I have gotten back, including a mid-term has been no better then 85%. I can't seem to get their grammar style at all. I either put too many commas or not enough commas. I put too many semicolons or not enough and so on and so forth. Thank GOD I know where to put a period! I don't get it. I don't get the grading, and I know they have a set grading system so its not someone's judgement call every time. I just hope they're just super anal about the grammar and when I do finally go to work it won't be like this. Seriously I can understand misspellings on medical forms but are people really reading their own reports saying "hey, I think there should be a semicolon there, not a comma!"

Going back a bit, my first assignment was hell. They don't really tell you what they want, exactly so you're flying kinda blind, just going by what you've read in the book. And that is not the way I roll. I like knowing exactly what is going on and exactly what people expect out of me. So my first assignment was a massive fail the first time around 51%, yeah.... So I corrected it all while talking to a "advisor" on the phone and still only managed to get a 82% the second time around. While they talk about headings in the book they don't tell you anything concrete because "its up to the employer" so I only knew that the "chart note" that I was transcribing was really a SOAP note because my "advisor" told me so. And I was transcribing what the doctor was saying so when he said "Subject" I of course typed "Subject" and well I got that wrong because it was supposed to be "Subjective." And I was to know this because, I'm already a genius at Transcribing and well...wait no I'm not. So I'm kinda angry about all of this because its not like I have a teacher in front of me every day telling me "okay kids this is what grammar should be in M.T." I have a book that I read myself and when the book tells me something I do it, and then if its right I do it again. But then the second time I do it, it ends up being wrong! Its like the teacher I had for English Comp. who hated commas, only I figured that out a little too late, I got a D in the class and the only paper I got an A on was my very last one, I put one comma in the whole paper and well she circled it. I think I need a grammar refresher course or something. Or again I'm hoping they're just super anal about grammar.

So there you have it. My first mid-term came back with a 74% first time around, so I don't have to re-do it, but really? A 74%? Passing sure feels like failing sometimes. Oh and another thing, can they really call it a "mid-term" when there's two of them? And its not in the middle of the "term" at all?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

In need of a "palet cleanser" STAT!

We watch The Soup a lot. And now they have Web Soup on G4Tv that we have to watch, and they show "The Greatest Web Video Ever. (this week)" and usually its gross. So they have "The Palet Cleanser" which is usually a cute animal video. Last time I watched the palate cleanser was a dog riding in a kiddy swing. IT WAS ADORABLE! So this leads me to this...

My sister posted a video on Facebook of a guy getting a zit, or a boil, rather popped on his back. I gagged. Seriously I turned around and gagged. Jesse lasted a whole 30 seconds and had to walk out of the room, he came back just in time to see a stream of puss getting squeezed out and shuddered violently and ran out.
Please if you have a weak stomach like I do, be careful watching this:

and when your this:

Ahh now don't you feel better?

So I had an intervention on my self today. That's right I intervened myself. I went on Facebook, yes before I got done with homework, and deleted my Vampire Wars game. And then I went on to delete all, ALL, the friends that I made playing the game, because really they weren't "friends" in the strictest sense of the word. But it made me anxious for some reason, and I even feel anxious when I talk about it, which is odd. The only thing is now that I only have 124 friends, I'm bored, and the other games that I play suck now because I don't have as many friends, so I'm kinda regretting deleting them all. But! I know that if I just deleted the game the comments about the game would suck me back in so I had no choice.

Okay so my goals...I did not get off my butt today. I didn't. I'm sorry. I did eat, a little less, then yesterday. I had no soda. But this isn't hard for me really, because I don't leave the house much its really relying on Jesse to get me the soda, and well if I tell him not to once he won't ever get it for me. But I did spend less time on Facebook today. LESS. And tomorrow it might be even lesser! Oh! I got one assignment done. I didn't do too bad on it either. I'm thinking I'll do another one tonight. I don't want to get to crazy. So! For tomorrow!

1. GET OFF MY BUTT AND DANCE! or do the Wii Active, that's why I stole it from my sister in the first place.
2. Get ALL of my assignments done.

I think that's it. I'm thinking if I stick to a couple goals a day I'll do better in the long run.
Oh, the herbal uppers...its just a lot of Vitamin B. And Niacin. I don't know if they're working or not, it takes me a bit to adjust to them, a while back I was drinking EmergenC three times a day and it took I think three days for me to get any energy out of it, I think because my body is so depleted of any sort of goodness that it takes a bit for it to get an excess so I can have that energy.

I watched the Presidents speech tonight, I liked how he laid the smack down. It was good, but the thing that I don't like is everyone is always talking about the insurance companies. Yes they are bad, BUT if the damn hospitals and doctors didn't charge so damned much maybe we wouldn't have to have expensive insurance to cover our asses. I was a little worried early on in the speech how he said that we would "all have to have insurance, like car insurance." And to that I say UHHH wha?! Just to be clear though he did state later that if you can't afford it you will get it for free or for less money. That made me breath again. Because if I can't afford car insurance, I just don't freaking drive! Plus how are they going to know if you have health insurance or not? I mean if you never go to the doctor why have it? Yes I know for accidents but like Chris Rock says "its in case shit happens" I think that's bullshit. I think that there should be automatic coverage for everyone, with out charging us. Because we're in the position right now that we can't even afford $20 extra dollars a month. So if the heath insurance that WE HAVE TO HAVE is more then that, well take us to jail! The thing is Jesse hasn't been covered by insurance his whole life, and I think he's been to the doctor oohhh NEVER in the past 6 years. God knows the guy probably has stomach and mouth cancer from the chew but he hasn't complained yet! So I think that his insurance should be a lot less then someone like myself who was having to go to the doctor every three months just to chit chat about my depression. The WHOLE health care system here is BROKEN. Not just the Insurance. Heath Care is broken. And needs to be fixed.

Can you believe all the topics I'm covering?! I'm all over the map tonight!

Jesse applied for a security job today, lets hope they ask him to come in before they reject him. I got word from my neighbor that the bank that her sister works at might be hiring soon and if so she is going to put in a good word for me with her boss. Part time, three days a week. That will do!

You know what happens when you stop paying your credit card bills? You get 15 calls a day from an "unknown" number, that will not leave a message. They don't get it, I know why they're calling, if they'd leave a message and tell me who they are I might give them a call back. Okay that's a lie, I won't, because you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, and when your rent is $1050 a month and your man is only bringing in well not much more then that, you tend to say "hmm, get kicked out of my house or put my phone on vibrate so I don't have to hear credit card companies calling me?" The only bills we have been paying are: Rent, electric, water, sewer, car payment, and car insurance. And had we been smart in the past well that's all we would have to pay but nooo we said "You'll still have work Jesse! You'll still be making $2700 a month in a couple months!" Boy were we wrong!
So! This is why I need to get done with my classes. And I need to get a good job that pays me a decent enough wage to be able to pay all the bills at which time will have all gone to those damn evil collections companies who are usually assholes. But! I will pay them! One day! Hopefully soon! We're hoping and praying, well I'm praying, you know Jesse doesn't do that, but anyway that he gets a job that is CONSISTANT! That's all we need, consistancy.

Alright I think I'm done for the evening. Enough randomness for you all? Good!

Holy buckets of guacamole!

Firstly, I was totally not joking when I was talking to Randa yesterday. She should throw the phone and be depressed. Be depressed!

Part B: I was thinking about taking a class all about Algorithims...but once I figured out it wasn't about Al Gore dancing, I think I changed my mind. You know they're going to make me write out ridiculous algorithims until my brain explodes...or I become a doctor.

Third: It is beyond time for me to become spectacularly weathly for numerous reasons. Of course I would give appropriate amounts of money to charity and people I don't hate. But I want to buy a ton of yarn for no reason. And I want to move to Europe. Although moving with a boxes and boxes of newly purchased yarn could be spendy. Ah well, I'd be rich. Don't worry, Randa, I would bring you with me to be my yarn nanny!

I am having one of those really tired days, where I put sugar in my water glass instead of my coffee cup. It's crazy days like these where Randa and I come up with our funniest money making schemes that involve us being funny and no one understanding us. Like the Meaty and Beefy Comedy Duo. Or terrorist cats. Or wizard cats. Man, I need a nap.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Herbal Uppers

First I have to say because you don't know this, but my keyboard is super loud. And I hate it, but I had to put the laptop up on a shelf to get it eye level because it was killing my neck to look down at it all the time, so I have a usb keyboard that I'm using and I HATE IT! The keys stick, and its, again, loud. Whew...okay got that out of the way.
I'm feeling super PMSy with out the show, I guess that's the P in the MS...correct? Yes! Okay so I really wanted to throw the phone today even though I knew KNEW Leslie was joking when she was talking to me. All my emotions are all out of whack, I keep crying at commercials. So I talked to my oldest sister and I was telling her about not being able to concentrate and feeling like my depression was coming back with a vengeance and no I can not go to a doctor because I no longer have health care thank you very much...I can't stand this keyboard...I don't care about neck pain at the moment....ahhhh that's better, I rearranged and go the lappy down.
Anyway! Back to the lecture at hand. So I'm talking to my sister and she tells me that she got some herbal pills from her chiropractor to help her ween off of her anti-depressants, but she didn't do it so she has these pills and says "hey I'll send them up to see if they work for you!" I got them this afternoon, and we'll see how they help. I have no motivation. none. Don't want to do it. Every time I get on the computer all I do is get sucked into Facebook. You know, I scoffed when I heard a friend deleted her FB account because she was spending "too much time" This was me: "scoff! too much time?! just quit going on it so much, you don't have to delete it completely" I believe now that you do. I wish I had her email addy so I could say "I am with you sister!" I'm debating on whether or not to do just that, but its too hard to even think about, my palms sweat, just thinking about it.

Oscar's third birthday was a success. He had a ton of fun, and mostly because there were lots of people here for him to play with. The boys across the street came over (3 boys), My other sister and her two came and then our neighbor girl game over. Oscar had a blast. And I looked at him early in the day and was actually amazed, and here's where my emotions come out, and I was just, just...I don't know blown away that I had a baby three years ago, and here he is...talking to me, and bossing me about stuff, and its almost creepy if I over think it. Anyway sorry for the side track. My aunt and uncles came which was nice, I figured they would try and find a way out of it but it was Sunday and they usually do Sunday dinner, so I got to do that for them. Even though all I really did was pasta salad.

I have a few things that I can do.
1. Cook pork chops that you will die for
2. Pasta salad that my family seems to love
3. Make invites, but my limit is apparently 5

So anyway again you see this? I have the attention span of a three year old. Crap where was I? Oh the birthday party...after it was all done, I got a text from my friend who told me "I just puked in my hand at the bar" and at that moment, I was jealous. That's right, not "happy about where I am in life." but "jealous" How weird am I? I should be content with my life! I have what a woman wants right? A man who's always home and works his butt of to provide for us. A wonderfully bright little boy who everyone falls in love with. I should be happy right? I shouldn't want to be out drinking and puking in my hand! But I do! I DO! What is wrong with me?! The thing is that if I were single at this moment in my life I would stand no chance of even getting laid. I'm 100lbs over weight, and that's no bullshit, and lets face it, guys really have high standards now, especially now that I'm 30. I'm no longer 22, which pains me to say. I know I should be looking forward instead of back, but forward to what? To my illustrious career as a Medical Transcriptionist? Face it, its not my dream job. Its going to put money in my pocket and let me stay at home where I want to be, instead of in an office with a bunch of bitchy backstabbing douches. Yeah I said it. But what is my dream job?! A while back all I could think about is being a basketball coach? Where did that go?

This is what I don't like about depression, and this is why I wish I could always go to a counselor so I could actually talk this out with someone. Someone neutral. Someone who can give me tools to get over this, and make me see that I am a grown up now.

So now that I'm on the computer like ohhh anywhere from 8 to 12 hours out of the day, I shit you negative on that one, my back is not happy. My neck is not happy, I am not happy. And have I done anything pro-active about this? No no I haven't because I have no will to do anything like exercise. Oh I did...for three days. That's apparently my limit on exercise, which is weird because back in the day I didn't mind going to strength training class every day and basketball practice. Man how times change a person.

So if I put goals on this here blog is anyone going to hold me to them? Anyone besides myself because you know I can't be held accountable for myself. I need a bigger readership for this endeavor I believe.

1. Lose weight like STAT...okay that's ridiculous.
Restart (I can't find the strike make it all fancy like I'm really writing this out)

1. Get mobile, like dance around or something, for 10 minutes.
3. Complete some assignments for the LOVE OF GOD!
4. Stop drinking soda.
5. Eat less. (I eat man sized portions, I'm trying to keep up with Jesse who burns 5000 calories a day)

So tomorrow I will not go on Facebook until my class work is done. Got that? Hold me to it? OK!

OH! Crap, its almost 11pm, and I need to talk about my classes. Save it for tomorrow. AFTER GETTING DONE WITH MY ASSIGNMENTS. (I'm behind new schedule)

Peace out