Thursday, October 29, 2009

My body image.

So a quick update on the Dad situation. He didn't call the doctor yesterday. I talked to my brother and he said this "The cancer never went away." Uhm okay I'm not listening to him but drawing my own conclusion. The way dad's cancer works is that it went dormant and stopped forming tumors, but apparently it still dissolves bones. This is why dad has to get Zomeda which is a bone strengthener. And apparently his cancer has started to dissolve his ribs and according to my brother it has completely taken one rib out. (I will wait to hear from my mom to take this as fact) So today I'm researching and I will be most likely making a huge involved confused blog about it later.

So I know that I've been over this, and over this. But I am not happy with my body. I don't know if I've ever been happy with it. I think I was a little apathetic towards it until after college. And then I started hating it. I remember it was right after college when I saw my first stretch mark. My body didn't couldn't wait until I had kids to give me these scars. And I really don't like when people just blame stretch marks on childbearing. I also hate that people blame weight gain on having kids. I lost 20 lbs during the first five months of my pregnancy and only gained those 20lbs back in the last four months. Then when I went in for a check up two weeks after I had my boy I found that I lost 30lbs. I was ecstatic. And then in the year following I gained 50lbs. The heaviest I've been is 250lbs. I'm 5'9". So 250 to me is different then 250 for someone say a normal 5'5" but it's still fat. People didn't know I was THAT fat, just big, and everyone in my life is too nice to me to say "dude, you need to do something."
I know in my head and heart that I need to do something about my weight. I just have a hard time finding the motivation in myself in my own heart and head to DO something about it. I know at one point I'm going to hit a breaking point and just say "that is it" and have my own little "Today Show" moment and lose 100lbs but I want to know when. I want to know when I'll actually hit bottom with this problem. Sometimes and this is probably going to sound sick but I want Jesse to tell me he doesn't think I'm attractive anymore. I wonder if that might jump start something, because all this self loathing isn't working.
I also wonder that if I had money to get a personal trainer if that would work for me. I think I do need outside motivation to do this. Because personally I don't care. I'm not in the public, I avoid it, and when I do go out I dress as nondescript at possible.
I would like to say though, without people saying back to me "nooo that's not true" that I feel in my own impression that I am not cute as a fat girl. There are many women that are "large women" that I thing are ADORABLE. But myself? No I'm not I have a potato face and and ugly set up to a body. Not that I was a super model when I was skinny, but hey I got ass when I was. I look at old pictures and wonder why I didn't use it to my advantage sooner. Or why I didn't keep it. Why did I let myself get like this? What happened? What in my brain broke and made me stop doing anything to keep in shape?
All of this comes down to the fact that my friend is coming to visit in February and we have plans to "relive our 20s" and to do that, I need to be a lot lighter. Because I was 135lbs in my 20s. And now at this moment I am 240lbs. Can you do math, because I can. I know it is totally unrealistic for me to lose 105lbs in 4 months but I do want to do something. For some reason when I try to work out or 'eat less' it lasts for three days and then I'm right back to the eating huge portions and eating all day and sitting on my ass.
So tell me life planners out there how do I motivate myself? How does a person who has no money to join a gym or buy a Wii or ABSOLUTELY no will to "jog" to get into shape? Or just get less fat??
Anyone? Anyone?


  1. OK. Achievement #1: You've realized this.

    Since I am a pending medical professional, and I don't communicate face-to-face, I'll say it: Dude. You gotta do something about this. And I can name a billion reasons why, but it'll all come down to the same thing: You GOTTA do something about this. Would you guess that walking is one of the best exercises EVER??!

    Matt has the exact same problem, and he tries to hit it too hard too fast and ends up just bailing on the plan 3 days later. Baby steps are the answer, I think. Day 1: take a 15 minute walk. Continue to Day 7. Day 7: take a 25 minute walk. Continue to Day 14. Day 14: take a 30 minute walk. Continue in small increments until you're doin' 40+ minutes a day. THEN worry about food. And baby step that. Start by just tracking what you're eating (best book EVER: The Calorie King). Then start paring: sodium, sugar, trans-fats. Then start adding: fiber, veggies, etc. Also great book: Deceptively Delicious. Guarantees you get your veggies. If you're into graphs 'n' shit, start tracking your data in Excel and watch that chart grow as you shrink.

    Best favor you'll do yourself: find joy in your own cooking.

  2. Hi Miranda, well, first off, we need to actually get down to brass tacks here. The truth of the matter is the least important thing you contribute to your life is your physical appearance, that's the least important part of you.

    But the most important part to your overall happiness is your health, so you have to do something. I do workout, and I've had personal trainers. My trainer had a lot of female clients, and we'd talk a lot about how to motivate them (he was just starting out). I'll tell you what I told him, that he found to work with his clients.

    Accept that it will suck for two weeks when you start to exercise, because it will. You'll feel sore, you'll feel tired, you won't know why you should be doing this and here's why: At the end of those two weeks, after brisk walks, you'll notice that you feel weirdly happy afterward, not exhausted. Your friend the endorphin will start to flood your brain.

    But it's going to suck at first, and that's the part people forget to tell folks just starting out. Your butt? She will feel kicked...and the problem with not telling people that (trainers think it will frighten people out of exercising) that in that initial, two week, "Oh my God, I feel awful!" people become convinced that they must be different, and that exercise for them isn't the plan. It is, it will just suck for two weeks, then as you begin to build up some stamina, you'll feel the benefits to your system. So know that, going in.

    Walking briskly when you don't have any equipment is the best thing you can do. Also, hit the thrift store, salvation army store, whatever is in your area, you'll very likely find incredibly cheap workout DVDs and hand weights (from all the people who gave up in the first two weeks). Don't worry about looking like a dork, if you see a copy of Sweating to the Oldies or something like that, buy it. Order everyone out of the living room and just do it. Even if you can't make it through the video, that's fine. Watch it through once without doing anything, and then even if you can only do ten minutes of it, sit and watch the rest. That way you're blocking out the amount of time you'll need to actually complete it. That way you're dedicating that time. I suggest something like the Sweating to the Oldies because it won't feature tiny, in shape people. I'm in good shape, and I don't have a weight problem, but I don't even want to watch people in killer shape!

    Libraries have these DVDs too. So there is your low cost option. Go to the library, and check out what they have. It's okay to switch around programs.

    Now, my oldest friend is your weight and although exercising is definitely key, eating well is also. To weigh less, you need to eat less. That doesn't mean miserable deprivation though, start small. If you're having a burger? Skip the cheese. That sort of thing. Take away one small thing at a time. If you drink coffee, put a half a teaspoon less of sugar, your taste buds will adjust.

    The road to failure is thinking that your jean size matters on some karmic scale, or scale of worth. It doesn't matter, it never will....but your health will improve, you'll feel much happier, have a better outlook on life...and guess what, that will make you feel much more attractive.

  3. So that's my advice: Don't do it because "I think I look like crap, and feel unattractive." just doesn't work. Do it because, "I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being miserable about my body. I want to FEEL better and the rest of the world can kiss my big butt if they don't like the look of it. I'm doing this because I deserve to feel better on the inside."

    I know, all big talk from the woman who does work out, and my idea of being big is my current size -- I float between a standard size 8 or 10 -- but here's why I'm saying all this: I have a permanent injury, a reconstructed heel and resulting arthritis from some crushed bones. It's actually not easy for me to work out, but there's a big, big difference in how I feel when I do, vs. when I don't.

    Start with walks. If you have an iPod, just stick your headphones in and go for a walk. Even if the weather is crappy. Just start walking. Check out the library, the thrift stores. If you can find cheap handweights, start with 3 or 5 pound ones.

    You're going to school because you recognize that having more money would make for an easier life, right? Being in better shape really adds to your coping skills in ways you can't currently imagine.

    That's what you deserve. To feel better, to have an easier life. It is never going to be about the size of your butt. Let that go. Your butt is your butt, and like I said, anyone who doesn't like it? Forget them. It isn't about them, it's about you. You deserve a happier life, and you will feel happier for a variety of reasons if you lose weight, and are in better shape.

    There, that was my very best shot at that, Miranda. Do it because happier sounds more appealing to you. Do it to be happier.

    And...sorry that I had to cut this into two posts :-)

  4. I wish hearing other peoples' motivation worked on me. Or signing up to a website saying I will loose weight, but it doesn't. Sometimes I wonder if I should get a trainer too, and charge it on a credit card..haha I just need someone to force me to go even when I don't want. Not my mom who agrees when I say lets go get a blizzard..haha. I have submitted to the Biggest Loser, and might again too. I would love to go on there and get my ass whooped. I hate being unmotivated and negative about things. And I have made it about 2 weeks before, and then it seemed I couldn't fit working out in between working from 3am-11pm(two jobs)and then finding time to sleep in between to be able to drive an hour away in another few hours. Then we were living out of the car with work basically, so of course you eat crappy. Anywho..I could go for days, and I apologize for not having the uplifing "You can do it" comment..but you know me better than that..and I am a crabby :)~ Let me know when you find the magic motivation...

  5. Oh yeah..the original purpose of my post was to say having someone else tell you you are ugly etc doesn't really work. I always say I am going to do it to finally get a guy, or way back when- To make Frank jealous. Or to get over didn't last me more than the two days..I wish I could use a guy as a motivator...but apparently I don't want sex as much as I think I TMI!! haha

  6. Thanks you ladies! I'm totally with you though Amber, I'm glad that there are other people with my kind of feelings on getting "in shape" it's hard!! I think if I had a trainer I would do it because I have a hard time not keeping appointments. So if I had an appointment to go work out I would do it.
    I'm still searching for the motivation.
    But like my status update on Facebook. I did actually get out for a walk tonight! And I'm hoping to do it again tomorrow!