I've been re-reading Buddism Plain and Simple, to try and get myself to calm down and stay positive, but its not working. All the right speach and right thoughts in the world aren't helping. Maybe its because I'm off my meds again. Maybe I should do that, I've been told before not to go off them, but I can't seem to get my butt to the pharmacy. Oh and now my doctor no longer takes my insurance so I have to find a new doctor, but another thing, I might not have insurance after July anyway, so what's the point? I need to find one I guess so I can't get my prescription re uped for a couple months anyway because they're only $9 without insurance. That's pretty good I guess.
I've been feeling like I don't want to talk to anyone because I'm in such a funk and I don't want to hear "it will get better" because I know it will, it just doesn't feel like it right now. All I do is bitch and complain and I'm tired of it, I'm tired of myself. I'm really worried that we won't be able to go down to Burns because we don't have any money. Jesse has only worked 23 hours in the last two weeks and well this week isn't shaping up to be any better, he didn't work yesterday and he isn't at work today and its stressing me out. Ive been really good about not letting it get to me but now its building up a little too much. I don't know what to do. I can't ask for money from my parents because they don't have any. We can't ask Jesse's dad for money because we already got $500 from him a couple months ago, none of our family memebers have any money to give. And even if we did ask and get some it would only get us through a week or so. We are now two months behind on bills. The only things that are getting paid at the moment are the rent and the car. And even that is proving to be difficult. I feel like I'm suffocating. I hate being at home but I have no where to go. I can't go to sleep because I just lay there and think of all the shit that's going on that I can't talk to anyone about because its too depressing and I've gone over it a million times already.
I can't stop eating. All I want to do is just stuff my face with food all the time, I'm hungry all day long, and all I think about besides the huge mess we're in is eating. I've tried to just drink water and its not working. I got out the gazelle and started using that at night after I put oscar to bed but still nothing stops me from wanting to just eat everything in the house. I want to walk out my front door and not come back.
The only bright spot is that the loan went through for the schooling so I should be getting stuff from them soon about all my materials. Then hopefully in three to four months I'll be making money of my own. But again, its that 3 to 4 month wait that I have there that I can't stand. We also still don't know what's going on with the house. We do know that Jesse's mom is coming up here and we get to kick the roomates out and they will hopefully be gone by the time I get back from my trip to Eugene.
17 hours ago