My body image.

So a quick update on the Dad situation. He didn't call the doctor yesterday. I talked to my brother and he said this "The cancer never went away." Uhm okay I'm not listening to him but drawing my own conclusion. The way dad's cancer works is that it went dormant and stopped forming tumors, but apparently it still dissolves bones. This is why dad has to get Zomeda which is a bone strengthener. And apparently his cancer has started to dissolve his ribs and according to my brother it has completely taken one rib out. (I will wait to hear from my mom to take this as fact) So today I'm researching and I will be most likely making a huge involved confused blog about it later.

So I know that I've been over this, and over this. But I am not happy with my body. I don't know if I've ever been happy with it. I think I was a little apathetic towards it until after college. And then I started hating it. I remember it was right after college when I saw my first stretch mark. My body didn't couldn't wait until I had kids to give me these scars. And I really don't like when people just blame stretch marks on childbearing. I also hate that people blame weight gain on having kids. I lost 20 lbs during the first five months of my pregnancy and only gained those 20lbs back in the last four months. Then when I went in for a check up two weeks after I had my boy I found that I lost 30lbs. I was ecstatic. And then in the year following I gained 50lbs. The heaviest I've been is 250lbs. I'm 5'9". So 250 to me is different then 250 for someone say a normal 5'5" but it's still fat. People didn't know I was THAT fat, just big, and everyone in my life is too nice to me to say "dude, you need to do something."
I know in my head and heart that I need to do something about my weight. I just have a hard time finding the motivation in myself in my own heart and head to DO something about it. I know at one point I'm going to hit a breaking point and just say "that is it" and have my own little "Today Show" moment and lose 100lbs but I want to know when. I want to know when I'll actually hit bottom with this problem. Sometimes and this is probably going to sound sick but I want Jesse to tell me he doesn't think I'm attractive anymore. I wonder if that might jump start something, because all this self loathing isn't working.
I also wonder that if I had money to get a personal trainer if that would work for me. I think I do need outside motivation to do this. Because personally I don't care. I'm not in the public, I avoid it, and when I do go out I dress as nondescript at possible.
I would like to say though, without people saying back to me "nooo that's not true" that I feel in my own impression that I am not cute as a fat girl. There are many women that are "large women" that I thing are ADORABLE. But myself? No I'm not I have a potato face and and ugly set up to a body. Not that I was a super model when I was skinny, but hey I got ass when I was. I look at old pictures and wonder why I didn't use it to my advantage sooner. Or why I didn't keep it. Why did I let myself get like this? What happened? What in my brain broke and made me stop doing anything to keep in shape?
All of this comes down to the fact that my friend is coming to visit in February and we have plans to "relive our 20s" and to do that, I need to be a lot lighter. Because I was 135lbs in my 20s. And now at this moment I am 240lbs. Can you do math, because I can. I know it is totally unrealistic for me to lose 105lbs in 4 months but I do want to do something. For some reason when I try to work out or 'eat less' it lasts for three days and then I'm right back to the eating huge portions and eating all day and sitting on my ass.
So tell me life planners out there how do I motivate myself? How does a person who has no money to join a gym or buy a Wii or ABSOLUTELY no will to "jog" to get into shape? Or just get less fat??
Anyone? Anyone?

Getting back to it

Well after over a month of not working on my school stuff I'm back to it. I started back up Friday and got done with two transcriptions. I cheated on one but the other one I did myself. It was short and simple. I'm working up to the hard ones. I'm going to do the assignment today, I really have to get going on this because I really need a job. This being poor is not working for us anymore.
We're settling in and Oscar has finally stopped saying "I wanna go home" all the time, which is nice. I'm liking the kitchen a lot more then our old one. There's WAY more room. I miss my office, but this is alright because I can have Oscar in here to watch TV while I play work on the computer.
I really don't have much to say today. My brain is feeling clogged up and not willing to spit anything out.
So I'll leave you with that.
And a quick update on my dad.
He had to get a bone marrow biopsy and they'll have the results of that on Wednesday. His oncologist, according to my mom, wasn't all that worried about "the mass" and his cracked ribs but did put him back on the bone strengthener. So my mom is relieved. I'm waiting till Wednesday to be relieved.

My Dad.

Uhm this is hard for me because the first thing I want to do is cry. And the second thing I want to do is tell myself "quit crying."
About 7 years ago, I think, if my math is correct. My dad was diagnosed with a type of cancer called Multiple Meyloma. It's a bone/blood cancer that at the time should have gave him only six months. But my mom told the doctor not to tell her things like that because she had counted on 60 years at least with the man. (God only knows why!) So it started out as a tumor on his spine the probably would have been found earlier had he not lived in such a shit hole with such terrible doctors. But I'm being mean. He went through radiation and chemo and then he had surgery to remove a vertebrae. He has titanium rods in his back now, which he says gets super cold along with the weather.
When my dad got the first diagnosis I had just moved home from college after pretty much getting fired from a call center job that I hated. He had just lost his office manager so it was "my turn" to help him with his business. I remember when he had his "fanny pack" of chemo on his hip at work, and no one knew he was going through it because he never showed any signs of being sick or tired. Well to anyone but us. We knew. I knew he was tired, I knew he was sick. But I also knew in my heart that he was going to be just fine. Because the man is a bastard. He's just a strong bastard of a man and to ornery to die. After going through the radiation and chemo and surgery the doctors said he had a choice. He could go through chemo again every so often, or do a T-cell transplant and give him a greater chance of the cancer not EVER coming back. So he took option B, because he hated the chemo. He spent a month in the hospital and a couple more months recovering at home. It was weird to see my dad without hair. My whole life I never saw my dad with out hair and it was definitely different. He wouldn't take off his hat in public, not even for the anthem...(I know right?!)
He got better, and the mass was gone and all he had to do was go monthly to get a bone strengthener.
Well today I got news from my mom that they have found a similar mass on his ribs. So it looks like it's back for a second round. This is coming after we found out about a month or so ago that his sister's cancer had also come back, her's this time in her lymph nodes. This happened last time but in reverse. Dad got it first then his sister. Oh then his other crazy sister decided that "she had cancer too" but it was never really talked about, I always thought she was faking...(my opinion)
My dad has an appointment on Friday to see his oncologist and to get a better x-ray to make sure exactly what is going on with his ribs. So after that we will know more what is going on. The thing is, it's kinda thrown everyone in the family for a loop. I called my sister after talking to mom and I could tell she was crying, and I said "so it's okay for me to cry?" Then the next day my oldest sister called to see how I was doing, and we both just sat on the phone wondering how to take the whole thing. Dad is still not ready to talk about it. Of course. I know in my heart and from what I've read that it is not necessarily a death sentence if the cancer has come back. It just means more radiation and more chemo, which will be harder for him, because more is always bad of those two things.
I know with so many people touched with a cancer story this one is typical. It is one in a million or more, but it is our story. And it's hard on my mom. She's definitely not the same this time around as she was the last time. I think it has partly to do with the fact that she just got back from seeing her sister go through a surgery to remove lumps from her breast. And of course my dad's sister's cancer coming back.
My first instinct is to joke around with my dad and just try to ease everything a little. The first thing I told my mom after she told me the news was "Is he trying to show his sister up or something? Just because she has her cancer back doesn't mean he has to too!" And I know that would make my dad laugh. I would get a chuckle out of him. I haven't had a chance to talk to him in a couple of months or so, well a good talk anyway. I usually talk to him a couple of times a month, I don't know what happened this last month or two. I hope that as a family we get through this again. I know that my mom is a strong woman, but she's going to need a lot of support, I just hope we are up to the challenge.
Give a little prayer, if that's what you do, or just keep my dad and my mom in your thoughts tomorrow. I know some of you don't know them personally, but trust me, they're good people!
I know that most of my posts are very disjointed, but this might be the worst! Please forgive me!

Moving sucks.

I grew up in one house. I never moved. My oldest sister was the only one that moved. Once mom and dad found their home in our little town they never left. I didn't start moving around until college. Then it started just with moving from dorm to home then to a new dorm. Junior year I lived with my uncle in his apartment, then senior year I moved into a house with two friends. After senior year I stayed in that house for a little while longer then moved into another house after my friend moved out of Spokane. After that I moved home to my mom and dad's. I tried to move out while living in my home town but that proved disastrous because I moved in with a meth head. I didn't know she was a meth head until after I moved in. So I moved back with my mom and dad. Then I met Jesse and well four months into the relationship I was pregnant and we figured "well we better move in together." So we did and the day before we got the place, I had a miscarriage, but it didn't stop us from moving in together. Okay so lets see I'm up to uhm well we'll start after college...4 places. So after six months of living together in our hometown we moved here to Spokane. First place sucked. Second place was okay, but the roommate situation wasn't the best. Then I was pregnant and we moved in with my aunt and uncle for a little bit because we couldn't afford to live on our own. After that we moved into the "rent-controlled" apartments. Lived in one for almost a year, then moved next door. Okay so that's 9 places. Then finally we found our last place that I LOVED and will always love. And then we had to move here. To a small little house with no privacy from a parent and ugh. The last place was the longest I've lived somewhere since college. I know that people do this a lot, but I didn't. I don't like it. And especially since we had found such an ideal neighborhood and a good house. So now the plan is to stay here for 2 years and what if I get used to it here?! I want to have a place and just live. I'm tired of packing up everything and doing all this crap. It exhausts me.
So here we are in the new house, and according to Jesse we will not be moving again for at least two years. If all goes to plan that is...and if this house doesn't go into forclosure. I can get used to it here. I'm not sure if I'll continue to like living with his mother but I guess I can deal with it.
Okay so are you ready for some bad pictures? Here goes!

This is the new living room, well part of it. I don't have a wide angle lens on my camera phone.

The wood stove that is doing all the work at the moment because the furnace is d-e-d dead. And well now we have to wait to see what the owner wants to do. Fix it or replace it, but either way we have to wait for it. Ahh so nice winter hasn't set in yet.

This is a pond in the back yard. The tiny backyard. I'm going to eventually post picture of this back yard and our old one to show the difference. Oh and Oscar has already jumped into this slimy pit...

Aaanndd the haunted shed. That Jesse's mom wants to keep forever for some reason and I say get rid of it to make more room for the back yard, but guess who wins? Oh yeah the mom, because well she's mommy! Ugh. It's such wasted space!

And here's my office/closet. See that printer? Yeah it won't work with my computer. So now I have to set up my old dinosaur computer to use to print things, but it's alright because I can use it for musics too, instead of infecting my lappy with all sorts of crap.

Learning from other Blogs

I'm learning as I go here. Well I've been "blogging" for a little while. Almost four years I think. I know that's not as long as some out there, but long for me. But mostly it's just been a journal for me and some family members. Anyway as time has gone on and I have found other blogs I am amazed at how juvenile my blog is. How terrible my pictures are. Now this is not me fishing for complements, this is just my brain. I'm giving you a peek...ha...well see my brain always compares me to everyone else around me. And for some reason my brain always has me coming up short. It's just the way it is. I've never been number one. I tried working on this with my counselor but apparently I was "fixed" because I stopped crying at every session. Ahhh how the brain likes to trick me. Anyway, I'm finding new blogs here and there and most of them I like. You can look to your left and see a good list of blogs that I read and like a lot. I have found some new one just recently that have been around for YEARS but they're new to me.
What I have noticed is that I am poor. I can't afford to get my own website. I can't afford an awesome camera to take pictures. I can't afford to have photo shop on my computer to fix those pictures. So here I am, just typing. And hoping that someone out there is reading.
Something else that I have found is that you can tell who likes who. There is a big sense of the "cool" crowd and the "rebel" or as we called them in high school "the stoner" group. I liked all groups. I flitted around and didn't really care. The stoners were okay with me, and the preppy kids liked me too I guess. Anyway point being I found one blog and I don't know if I want to be specific or not but MAN! I could instantly tell what blogs "they" followed, without looking at "their" blog roll. I knew right away just from the pictures, because they looked oddly photoshoppy familiar. And I thought to myself...hmmmm...how do they do that with their pictures?? No I answered myself pretty quickly with the photoshop answer.
It makes me wonder, because I have been on both sides of the fence with these "groups" even though I'm what is known as a "lurker" and probaby a "stinkin new kid" but... There are some blogs that I like and some I don't. There are blogs that I no longer follow because well one because the woman was always talking about how fat she was when in her pictures she looked a size two...dude. I don't care about fat skinny whatever. Don't tell me some kid asked you if you're pregnant when you're a size two. That didn't happen. And if it did, if that kid ever saw me he'd think "man! are you two people?!" Another for a host of reasons none of which I will get into because I don't want to appear to be a uhm well attention whore, because when you mention said blogger that's what people accuse you of, that or "jealous." Which I am...definitely jealous, because if I lived where she did I would be close to one of my very best friends/roommate. And if I were her I would have lots of money, which as I have and will mention A LOT I don't have a lot of money.
moving on!
I like blogs that you can have conversations with people. I would like this to go that route eventually. I like topic starters and like to have lots of contributions from people. In essence I like banter. I don't like when the person who wrote the blog writes then never says anything else till the next blog. I think you should occasionally comment back. I think in my last post that I had to, because once people started commenting I kept saying "OH I remember another name that I hate!" And wanted to add more to my post.
I don't understand "give-away blogs" at all. I mean really? You give shit away? That's never going to happen on this blog. I don't have the money. (Another day another post)
People talk about going to conventions like blogging is the new Amway. I will probably never understand it. Will I get to see my favorite bloggers in person? Probably never. Although I have found a blogger with the same last name as mine. Which is amazing to me. What is sad is that I commented and pointed that out and I got nothing. Gave me a flash back to high school and pointing out to someone I was playing basketball against that she had the same shoes as me, and she didn't respond so I knocked her to the ground as much as possible during the game...but I digress. Seriously if someone EVER comes to my blog saying "I have the same last name/first name/middle name whatever to me I will definitely respond. Most likely by saying STOP STEALING MY IDENTITY! Because it's a crappy identity. And then I will kindly ask them to clean up my credit for me.
Okay so point of this post is that I like that there are millions of blogs out there because there are enough to love and not love. Follow and not follow. Make fun of and copy.
If you blog...do it for the reasons that you want. And if you read mine, please be gentile. I've already beat myself up enough. Oh and if you wanna be mean well it better be for good reasons. Like I made fun of your grandmother or something. Or I will start a page just for mean comments about me. And not make any money off of it. Because google kicked me off of ad sense.